IV water found old needle. 7 months clean

Hey guys. I am going on 7 months clean. My drug of choice is Heroin. I am about to graduate from my outpatient rehab but in the past 7 days my cravings have been so bad. I tried my normal routine and coping mechanisms of playing the tape through, making a gratitude list, and other things I have learned in treatment as well as n.a but began obsessing on Wednesday. On Thursday mid obsession during my morning routine I looked in my laptop bag for a usb drive when I reached in I found a needle from December.(note This bag has been cleaned out by both my girlfriend and I. At first I just held it and thought about how good a rush would feel. I visualized everything got a couple minutes then I realized I was romanticizing the most painful battle of my life. How I would lose everything and send the ones I love and myself to an all to familiar hell. After coming to my senses I threw the needle in the garbage and got back to work.

Throughout the day I would get thoughts like the ones I remember having that lead to my relapse in December. Thoughts like: "I could get so much work done if I were high". "My back won't hurt anymore.” (which isn't even true) and “I can just do one bag and stop, Just one wont hurt” (also.... Not True)

Just as it started getting really bad, my girlfriend came online and we started talking. She told me she was proud of me. She told me I have come a long way and she was so proud of me. This set my emotions to 100 as it felt so good to hear someone I care so much about say this but on the other side of that coin I was ashamed and wanted to reach out for help but I didn't want her to worry nor did I want her pride in me to turn to shame instantly so I isolated.

It is said that addiction is a disease of isolation. I am already bad at expressing my feelings IRL but when you are so ashamed of yourself just for having thoughts it is a losing battle.

“Whitenuckling it ” is what my first counselor used to call it. For those of you not aware, the term is figurative and refers to clenching the fists just holding on while not using. It is used when someone is giving their all to not using.I haven't struggled this hard since my relapse in december and It came out of nowhere.

While working an argument started between my girlfriend and I . It was a dumb argument that shouldn't have even happen but it did. I dont know what caused this feeling at all but I wanted to use. I with this night I was whitenuckling and running through my serenity prayer over and over again. This state of pure torture however did not push me over the edge I thank god for that.

That night I had dreams, DEEP, VIVID dreams of using. I could feel it I could taste it I could smell it. It was so real. I woke up about 5 times that night within 3 hours and gave up on sleeping. The dreams were too real. Too much.

The next day (yesterday) I got started at work early and things were going well. The conversations with my girlfriend were positive and loving and I was thinking I should tell her about my dreams and cravings but It should be done in person. So I waited. (big mistake) When I got too distracted by the thoughts I went to lay down. The visual of blood rushing into the syringe kept playing over... and over... and over... and over again. I began to sweat with the air conditioner on full blast. Every part of me wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. My depression and my addiction seemed to be getting the best of me. Out of nowhere! I haven't craved it or wanted my drug of choice like this since december 24th but I knew If I go find heroin today, It will never stop until im dead. My girlfriend, my kids, my family would all lose me.

I continued to whitenuckle. Periodiclly going back to the computer to get back to work until my mind was consumed. Rinse and repeat.

IT has been a terrible few days. A lonely depressing, addiction filled week so far with a couple arguments with my s.o and big plans this weekend. Addiction doesn't care about any of that. Addiction strikes when it strikes. Ready or Not.

Yesterday was a terrible day for me. But I didnt use. Today is a little worse because it comes attached with the shame of what I did last night. At about midnight I couldn't focus and I remembered a time in my early recovery when I would “go through the motions” with a needle. This involved me going through every step as I would with Heroin just minus the heroin. So I took that needle. And did everything I would do if I was shooting heroin. Just without the heroin. In the past this has helped me. Not this time. Now I am stuck with broken blood vessels and a shattered confidence. I feel like I relapsed. I feel the same shame, the same depression, The same physical problems. I am back to that point in my life where I am trying to figure out how to tell my s.o .. I feel like I need to tell her but I am afraid that because we got into an argument last night she may put some blame on herself. That is not fair for me to do to her. She is not to blame here. I have a disease .

Im sorry to make this so long. But I really needed to get this off my mind.

Thank god I didn't throw away my date. I have 3 more days until I am 7 months clean

Dispite this mess.