Only takes that one toxic person to knock your little stack of cards down.

I'll start off with this. I'm an idiot. I will straight up admit that. I have an ex boyfriend that I keep letting come back after a few days when we have a big fight. I keep saying this time is the last but then when I listen to him my will weakens and I try again. I've been making myself healthier these past few months and a few people have tried to destroy that. Now he is. He came back saying that he just needed space but he really wants to marry me. For two weeks now we have been good. I am calmer and more rational but lately I've been feeling sick and I feel like he cares more about his video games than realising I'm not well. Today he has been out of it. Now late at night, and this guy has a recent history of leaving me for other girls, he finds out that our neutral neighbours has a girl in their base. Without hesitation he follows her and asks if he can join them, not mentioning that I'm in his old base. He killed me while I was offline, and left.

Am I wrong to feel this strong sudden need for vengeance? I've been taking his shit for months where I don't retaliate because I am trying to be better than him, but by fuck I want to make him hurt now. He didn't even try to sort out our shit. He laughed when I deleted him after telling him I don't deserve to be treated like shit, and immediately added his new princess of fortune. I honestly hate his guts, and if he died I wouldn't care. That's how much I despise him and all he stands for. He fucking used me for months, took advantage of my kind nature, and chases girls when he finds them. But he can turn around and say I'm the one that will cheat!

I have not had such a severe anxiety attack in months. I am shaking while I type this post, and I have this hatred in my heart that I just want gone forever. I'm so tired of being treated like shit. His own mother even complained about me being around, so why the fuck must I stick around? He's clearly unphased by me not being there, and I'm sick of being treated like replaceable trash.

Now I have to work on moving on YET AGAIN, and not let him bother me anymore. This has been going on for a year, and it never stops. I think he needs to go so I can fix myself.