[Support Only] I lost two important people to me in the last week, and despite it dramatically affecting work I refuse to ask to leave.

[Light]:

Hey everyone.

I hate seeking help, or venting ever. If this comes across as rambling/jumbled I apologize. I'm dealing with a lot on my mind, and I am having trouble organizing my thoughts.

Last week I got a text on my drive to work, and was told by my Dad that my Aunt, who I was very close to, had passed away the night prior. No warning, no signs, nothing. Just a text that stated she is dead.

I was just shocked initially. Worried about my cousin who just lost her last parent. Worried about my grandma who already lost her son/my uncle less than two years ago. I didn't care about me.

I asked to leave that day to comfort my cousin and try and just come to terms with it myself. I had hung out with friends over the weekend, felt better, and came into work Monday just fine.

Shortly after I came in Monday someone asked how my family and I were regarding my aunt's passing. I honestly had pushed it to the back of my mind and forgot about it. When she brought it up I just felt a gut punch and just barely could focus.

All week my scores at work have been terrible. I can barely talk, and I've been unable to focus at all. I tell myself it is stupid to leave work because I feel "sad".

Now as the week went on I felt slightly better, as time does mend wounds. I listened to Linkin Park as it is my grieving music, and the music I just listen to to pass the time. Seen em live a handful of times, and every time I've loved it.

As most people know, Chester Bennington commited suicide yesterday, and that was the push that brought me to today. I have almost blacked out 3 times today alone, and barely can focus. My scores today will probably be as bad as when I first started the job and barely could do any work.

I hate that any of this affects me. I hate that deep down, I know I'll get over this and go on with my life. I hate that I know this pain is temporary and I'll be fine in time.

I hate all of this because I know I can't focus and work. I know I am barely helping by being at work. I just can't bring myself to call out because if I try to, I beat myself up and tell myself I'm such a child for feeling "sad" and that there is no reason to ever call out on such stupid reasons. I can't stop beating myself up about even the thought of asking to leave, not even actually doing it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I feel like no one will listen or get what I'm saying. I feel alone and like I have no where to turn.