I just don't know whats keeping me going

Hi everyone, My name is Jack and I've been suffering from depression since I was 7. I was 9 when I first attempted, I tried to electrocute myself. When I was 10 I walked in on someone who blew their brains out, Later that year my best friend hung himself. After that I developed sociopathic tendencies, I started to hurt the people around me both physically and mentally. When I was 8 I started to hear voices from the inside of my head. I became very secluded to just going to and from school, I continuously lied about everything to my parents. Once I turned 11 I fell into a deep depression and began to use drugs. I was addicted to weed and cocaine for several years before I told myself I needed to stop. I've since cut down but I don't know how to fully stop. My father made us move around a lot so I never developed a good social life which has led to bad social anxiety (in fact I'm extremely scared to post this). I'm 15 now but I've attempted 6 times and been to several therapists. I was hospitalized once because my parents don't know whats going on in my life. I have diagnosed with PANS just a few months ago after a tick bite more than 2 years ago, this gave me sudden onset OCD that has since to disappear after and IVIG and rounds of antibiotics. Once I moved back to Maryland from London I tried to change my life and make friends but every person who I've tried to be friends with has cut me off. Throughout the friendships I've had I've always been the kid who's always forgotten and never invited. After all of this trauma I'm just not sure why I haven't just ended it all yet, nothing ever seems to go right for me and I've tried waiting it out but nothing ever seems to change and the person who tried to help as already blocked me on everything. I've tried to do anything to make friends but somehow they just stop responding and I'm left alone again, or if they let me open up to them they say that it's too much and they leave me. My family has forgotten that I exist so I just spend most of my time alone either working out or playing video games. I forced myself to get a job this summer so I'm at least getting out of the house. But I feel like anything and everything I do just is meaningless and that I'm worthless in the eyes of everyone. I don't know why I'm posting this at all I just wanted to put down some of what I've gone through to see if anyone has any advice on what I should do. Sorry for the wall of text it's just gotten so bad