PLEASE HELP...

My name is Daryl, and I'm a 20 y/o transguy from north new york. I had top surgery in April of last year, and have been on and off T for nearly 3 years now (I had a year that I had to take off because of my living situation and not being able to afford it).

However, lately, I've been feeling absolutely hopeless. I'm fighting major depression and anxiety every day, and I'm on medication for both, but neither seem to help and it doesn't seem to get much better. I've tried just about every medication there is for both, so much so that my doctor had to put me on a med I've already tried years ago because I was out of options. I've been hospitalized three separate times, the first time being when I was 12, again when I was 13, and again when I was 16-17. A lot of my life has been spent in the throws of my parent's arguing and fighting, even after they got divorced when I was 13. From April of last year (two weeks after I got top surgery) until March of this year, I lived with my father, who ended up being just as abusive and toxic as when he still lived with me and my mother. The day my dad and step-mother kicked me out and threw all my things into the snow, they proceeded to shout "LADY!!!" at me until I left their yard. I now live with my mother again in my childhood home where pretty much every traumatic event in my life took place. I live in the same bedroom I grew up in. I live in the same town that still calls me my deadname and She/Her. I currently do not have a job (can't get hired without having to out myself/be called my dead name), a license, and my name change JUST got approved. People around me and that claim that they understand and care about me still make me feel like shit, still remind me I'm not a real man, still remind me that my body will always be female. I feel fucking trapped. I feel like I'm never going to be able to be myself, that I'm ALWAYS going to have to fight to prove I exist. I can't fight anymore.

Without going into more of this sob story, I'll get to the point. I can't fight anymore. I can't do this on-going battle of trying to "fake it till you make it!!" anymore. Everything is draining and disappointing and depressing, and I just want it all to stop. I live in an area that has very limited resources or knowledge for/of trans people, and I feel I am constantly put into the role of 'educator' when I try to get help regarding my mental health. Last week I went to the ER three different times, where they wanted to hospitalize me again. I feel that that is my only life option, that this is the pattern I'm going to follow forever. Regardless of how much I try to remind myself that my situation is temporary, it continues to grow and prove that it may be permanent. I've been feeling suicidal and thinking about how I would go out, and I'm honestly to the point where I'm not really hesitant to do it anymore. I'm not scared anymore. I just want this pain and bullshit to stop, and that feels like the only way it's going to. Every choice I make to try to better myself and my life ends up being the wrong one, and I end up 20 steps behind where I started. All I want to do in life is paint and make art and sing in a band, but I feel like these dreams are just that; dreams, and dreams only. Nothing to be attained in real life. Everything I used to love to do and that made me feel alive now takes too much energy and feels like a futile effort towards an unattainable goal. Pointless.

I'm sorry this is fucking depressing as hell, but I literally don't know what else to do. I feel I have no options left. I feel completely and utterly alone, no matter how many friends or family members tell me otherwise. I am alone. I don't know what to do and I'm terrified.