Vent: Frustration and a wee bit of jealousy...

So as I am sure you all know and understand, frustration is apparently the name of the game when it comes to making babies.

Been at this for almost ten months now. I know that because I started the same month as my sister and she's set to deliver my nephew next month. Perfect shot, right out of the gate. Meanwhile, my husband and I are over here twiddling our thumbs. I am honestly not that jealous of my sister, if anyone deserves it, she does. She will be an amazing mother. I'm just sad for us.

So many times I feel like I am screaming into the void. I have no one to talk to. Neither my Mom or my MIL know we're trying because no one wants to open that can of worms. Granted that didn't stop either of them from asking when my husband and I would "have news to share" when they found out about my sister's pregnancy. My friends are all single and when I start to panic and lament I am met with placating "you have so much time! If you stop stressing it will happen! Why are you even worrying about this now?!" I feel like a pile of poo if I lament to my sister because as much as I know she is over the moon for her little boy, she is my big sister and she is sad that I can't be on this journey with her. This is her time to shine and be happy and it is not fair for me to put that on her. So I just scream into the void.

My husband has a cousin who got engaged after us, then planned their wedding exactly one month before ours. It wasn't intentional, but it was one of the many nails in the coffin of our big wedding as it solidified that none of my husband's family would be able to afford to attend both - and since ours was out of state it was pretty clear which wedding his family would attend. So we canceled and had a private ceremony with just our immediate family. Ironically, this bride and groom also had the same wedding colors and flowers as we wanted - plus all the pictures and family and shit that I wanted. Yesterday they announced that they're twenty weeks pregnant with a little girl - and I just want to scream. I hate being so petty and jealous. They deserve this too! They're a fine couple and they want a kid and they should get a fucking kid. But I cannot stop the irritated jealousness I feel.

Everything just feels very out of control. I do not ovulate regularly. In fact, I haven't ovulated since April. I have met with a doctor but their response is to just "keep trying" and that she'll see me when it's been a year - especially since the last I saw her I had just ovulated and so what is actually a rarity in my life she somehow took as the standard? Thank you for that, my trolling reproductive system. Because I don't ovulate regularly, obviously, predicting ovulation is like playing darts while blindfolded. We purchased an Ovusense monitor, but after sticking that in my vagina for weeks I've sort of just given up.

My husband wants me to see a different doctor, which I might do. I'm considering flubbing the time that we actually started "trying" because I just want some relief from my fumbling body. That's probably wrong, but I am just so sick of dealing with this shit. Where is my fucking baby?!

tl;dr: Any idea how to make a trolling body ovulate? ;)