Third week ends.

I hope everyone here has had a good week.

A sort of melancholy's been following me around, but I'm glad not to have numbed it with drink. A few times during the commute to work I've had a feeling of dread, raised heart-rate and so on. I've heard this is pretty common. It passed.

I've heard it's common over the first few weeks for your mind to feel more active. I do mathematics and coding problems for practice (they help with the job) and I've had more clarity in solving them. My friend is okay now. She's still in education and is about to start her summer break, she seems cheered up, and her boyfriend is a decent man who will be there for her. I shouldn't feel as responsible for her as I do, I guess it's just because I knew her when she was still a kid and I still see her that way. I hope she knows she can talk to me if she needs someone to listen, but I'll back off now--I don't want to push her away. Most of my friends have drifted apart, we all live in different parts of the country, and I've alienated more than a few of them. I'm a stoical guy, so I won't show it, but I sincerely hope she's okay. She seems happy now, and she's a stronger person than she realizes. I hope she can find some stability, but she's at a difficult stage in life.

Is it normal to feel things more intensely? I used to think alcohol made me more sentimental, but this is an alien sentimentality for me. I don't know why I care this much.

I'm not sure if I'm feeling more anxious due to what's been going on in her life, the sobriety or my work. In the end, I'm definitely glad to have cut down and, for the last three weeks, not drunk at all. I'm sorry if this post is just rambling, it just helps to type these updates up as a routine. I'm worried I'll slip back into drinking without a routine. Despite the occasional bout of stress, I'm feeling more mellow. I'm starting to remember who I was. As I've said before, I don't feel like I am, or ever was, a major alcoholic, but the memories, hangovers, dissonance and ruined friendships speak for themselves. I do have a problem. I definitely exceeded recommended drinking levels on a regular basis. In March I messed up a job interview and, that same night, got destroyed and killed a close friendship. Why? Why did I do it? I can't keep doing things like that, it's not healthy or constructive.

A lot of the "fun" drinking memories don't even seem that way now.

Being busy with work and the sobriety have made other bad habits easier to control, so that's a plus.

I will not drink with you tonight.

Enjoy the weekend everyone, and thanks.