Yeah, you're definitely right with the iron thing, now that i look at it has no place here. I'll reword this, and I enjoy the idea of a heroic couplet in the beginning, I'll play around with it. This is great criticism, thanks!

I kind of want the beginning to be iambic pentameter and traditionaly punctuated / capitalized to get an ironic evocation of a heroic couplet.

The brick/back conceit is also not quite working for me, mainly because its use mutates a little too wildly: from aphorism "broken brick backs" to sort of reversal of position "mortar spine" and then where-did-the-iron-come-in-and-I-don't-think-sticking-a-metaphor-in-a-hypothetical-is-the-most-coherent-thing-to-do "rust in the sun".

Not on this end, I think it may be a problem with the client you're using for reddit?

Nice poem. Unless it's some kind of postmodern thing though, I think you have some formatting glitches, "&nbsp"

I like the structure.  I'm imagining the distinction between the indented and non-indented lines being the difference between spoken word and self-thought/reflection.  

"Before...I had to watch..." my lips trembled at the words as my mind raced back to the image of it, burning, rusting away in the autumn sun.

abandonment