My liver literally hurts.

Hello. This is kinda long so if you actually read it, thanks guys. I also suck at writing and have been up all night, so apologies if this is all over the place

Im 23,female.

My mother was a raging alcoholic and i grew up around it. I wish that had deterred me from drinking but it didnt. I started stealing her hidden vodka bottles when i was 13. Once i started experimenting with drugs at 15, i stopped the drinking for years. I eventually ended up as an IV heroin/suboxone/whatever addict. But thats another story.

Then in July 2014, I met adam. He was a nightly drinker (and driver..ugh) he would have one of those small evan williams bottles every night. I told him hah im a lightweight, which was actually true at the time. I started drinking with him every night, and my tolerance grew and grew until i was buying handles at a time. Honestly, he made me feel anxious everytime i was with him. I didnt feel comfortable being myself around him. That was the main reason i felt I needed to get drunk with him. I wanted to be entertaining and funny, not boring and awkward and silent. (Yeah, great relationship lol, i know.)  I guess that feeling never really went away. We were together for about 8 months constantly on and off until fiiiinally, i came to my senses and never spoke to him again.

That relationship was the start of my heavy drinking.

After Adam, i met Tony. Actually a great guy. I felt comfortable with him, but i still drank anyway. We met at a friends house while we were, of course getting drunk. Tanqueray that night, lol. Fucking pine tree flavored cologne drink. We started dating and i basically just instantly defaulted to drinking all the time. Like every night. I dont think he was much of a drinker before this (more of an acid head) but he kept up and drank with me like every night. That relationship only lasted for like, maybe 2 months. We stayed friends for a short while after but lost touch. Guess he hates me, oh well. Still a good guy. No complaints.

I was single for a while, still drinking but not necessarily every night. Aaaand then i meet James. He was already a drinker, buying a 30 rack every other day. We started dating immediately, and of course......drinking. This guy i am still with to this day, i plan to stay with him and Im more comfortable with him than anyone. Yet, i still feel the need to get drunk. I dont feel like im good enough sober. I just...i want to be fun, and come up with funny remarks on the spot, and make him laugh. I dont want to seem boring or quiet or like i dont know what to talk about. I feel like the person i wish i always was when im drunk. Also by this time, i psychologically need to get drunk. Im addicted. Probably for a while before this. I hate being sober...its so goddamn boring.

Being drunk makes sitting around doing nothing fun. Fun conversations. Fun sex. Weve been together for a year and half+ now. Im drinking half a handle of vodka a day. Almost every single fucking day. He just went to jail on July 6th, for 8 months. My liver literally hurts right now. Its been happening sometimes for like a year now. Thats fucking scary. I want to get clean off IV suboxone and the absurd amount of alcohol im drinking while hes away. I dont want to feel like i need alcohol anymore. I want to be free..

Fuuuuuck. Hooow. What the hell do i do instead of drinking. I need hobbies and shit and a job i know. Fuck. If anyone actually read all of this...thank you.