The sadness I feel for being lesbian

I only recently fully realized at age 26 that I'm a lesbian and not bi. Prior to this I was always "waiting for the right guy". I was always trying to lose weight and dress/act more femme than I felt in the hopes that the Mr. Right would get here soon. I thought being bi meant I could choose to be straight and there are obvious reasons why being straight has advantages. I was the only one who felt I was gay. Literally the rest of the world said it was a phase or gave me the "right guy" rhetoric.

Meanwhile I lost my chance with a few women who got tired of me being in the closet. They felt I was ashamed to be with them when really I was ashamed to be myself. I would describe myself as very slightly femme of center and my preference in women as "more femme than I am". I think I'm pretty and my girlfriends have all been stunning in my eyes. I never wanted to deal with the attention I would get for two femme lesbians acting gay in public. I wouldn't hold hands or kiss or even use romantic language in public. I didn't want the harassment or the cheers from straight guys. I didn't want to risk our safety.

My family thinks I'm bi and has been very accepting. I'm currently living in a gay friendly area. I feel like a coward. So many LGBT people aren't as lucky as I am and yet they come out and face the fears I have every single day. In public I act straight and though I'm a tomboy I'm still passing as a straight woman. LGBT people have lost everything up to and including their lives for me to be able to be gay in public but I don't want to deal with a straight guy shouting catcalls so I hurt the women I love by treating them with love in private and strangers in public.

I haven't been accepted by other lesbians either. One night I worked up the courage to go to a lesbian only night at a gay bar/club. At the door I was told I shouldn't try to violate lesbian spaces and that I'm obviously straight and not welcome.

I feel like lesbians hate me, straight people would hate me if they knew, and I hate myself for having 1 foot in the closet. My mom still talks about what a wonderful day she had buying my prom dress and doing my hair and makeup for prom. I hated that day. I felt like so mentally uncomfortable dressed that femme. It was 10 years ago and she often brings up how beautiful I looked that day and how she can't wait for me to get married. We watch say yes to the dress and she tells me what she thinks would look good on me. I know lesbian weddings can have dresses but I don't think I'll be wearing one when/if I get married.

I hope I'm not ridiculed for whining about these trivial problems while other LGBT people are facing much worse. I just needed to tell someone.