Just discovered this sub and I'm having a really really low day.

I'm 24, been battling depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember but I was always pretty good at keeping it down until I hit a really hard slump about a year ago. And it's the worst because I just got married last October. My husband is amazing and he loves me but he has no idea how bad it is or how to handle it. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel like a huge burden. I feel like the most worthless piece of shit. We moved in April and I haven't had a job since. Lately he's been riding me a little more to get one and I'm trying, I'm trying so hard but I just don't know if I can and I know if I don't I'll be an even bigger disappointment than I already am. I don't know what to do. I started gardening and it seems to help. I have a dog and two cats and they seem to be the only creatures I can talk to but sometimes I feel like even they hate me. I feel like everyone hates me. Some days I'm okay. Sometimes I smoke pot and it really helps but then I feel shitty for using it at all. I've had suicidal thoughts. Like everyone and everything would just be better off without me. My husband could find someone who isn't a waste of oxygen. My family could move on and forget about me being a disappointment. I'm sorry this is going in a hundred different directions, this is the first time in years I've tried to put my thoughts down on paper (screen). 8 years ago I tried to kill myself. I have this really bad problem of trying to use humor to mask my real feelings, like making suicide jokes a lot, and when I came back from the hospital I just joked about it, trying to make light of the situation, trying to make everyone think I was okay and my brother, he was supposed to be my best friend. He told everyone I was just an attention whore. He told me I was an attention whore. I hated my life and I just wanted it to end and he said I did it for attention. There are days now when I still think I should have just stayed in my room and bled out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what the point of typing this all up is, I guess I just wanted to tell somebody. I keep this all bottled up. I've told my husband about most of what I deal with but he comes from a place where depression and anxiety are unheard of and never talked about, so he doesn't know what to do to help. It's not his fault, it's mine for putting him in this situation in the first place. I've tried all different kinds of medications, I've tried seeing a therapist, and they all just seem to fail me. I think lately I've been having more good days, but I'm still having a lot of bad days. Today being the worst one in a while. I'll probably end up getting embarrassed and deleting this whole post. I don't know where to go from here.