Day 6 - after not sleeping for 2 nights in a row, it's time to tell my story

Something most of you I'm sure have experienced to some degree. After looking up breathing exercises to help falling asleep, I ended up -- after removing filtering the blue light outta my iphone screen, this shit keeps you awake! -- looking up insomnia and quitting marijuana. It became quite obvious that I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

I had an eureka moment at 4h30am. It both reassured me to know that this condition might be temporary, that I would be able to sleep well again just as before I ever started being a regular pot user about 8 years ago, but also, it confirmed in me that it was time to stop. That this strong physical sensation of withdrawal was only equal to the depth of my addiction with pot.

It's fucking hard to quit. I mean I love smoking, what can I say... There's a sense of euphoria that's not so easily replaceable. However is it far to say that serotonin becomes linked to the drug, making hard to live genuine pleasure without a hit? That also gives me hope.

I've known that I should stop for a while now. I am a sociable person who likes to live among people. Weed somehow shuts me in, or layers on me that slight paranoia that makes engaging with people somehow not as natural or enjoyable. But don't get me wrong; sometimes it makes conversation extatic and vibrant. En français on dit enivrant. But overall, given that every joint leads me to another, it descends me into a lethargic state that does not amount to much interaction and productivity. And my girlfriend, a non smoker -- sometimes partakes but never initiates -- loves me enough to endure me falling asleep on the couch at 10pm, completely buzzed out. (ahhh I somehow miss falling asleep to easily...)

The biggest obstacle in my mind is that I have linked marijuana to playing music, a true passion that I pursue semi-professionally. Neil Young wrote in a recent autobiography that when he quit smoking bud a few years back after an advice from his doctor, he did not write a song for 2 years. I can totally relate. I have written all meaningful melodies and lyrics under the influence of pot. It somehow takes my rather rational personality into a creative state that is INEVITABLY pulling me to my instruments. That I will miss the most.

But how can I go on being only looking forward to the next joint? This feels like a cage, really. Everything leads to it: a moment of exhilaration with by partner -- a good laugh, an embrace -- leads me to wanna celebrate with a doobie. A rainy sad day makes me want to indulge in melancholia -- weed will help doesn't it??

A boring day at work -- I work from home, imagine -- leads me to a toke. And another one... And... wait my girlfriend comes back in an hour I better get really high so I can then wait a few hours to smoke again because somehow, despite her acceptance and support I still feel shame to smoke as much as I do and prefer to do it alone.

My best friend, a father of two who was the biggest stoner I knew, quit 3 years ago. He told me: « if you ever quit, do it for yourself and only yourself ».

I know that I need this, but I am scared my willpower won't hold the project alone. The last time I quit, in early March, I called my dealer after a week. It's so weird, I felt, as much the rational reasons behind this decision seemed to vanish after a few days. It's like I don't remember the down sides of smoking and just seek to heal that fucking boredom I feel sometimes.

Is it that my head is just racing all the time? I like to think of myself as an overthinker -- constantly battling thoughts within and bending to see things with much criticism, cynicism and in overall negativity. Am I just too smart and my brain needs a little sedation?

At this point it's clear that weed does not help me. For the most part I tried to see it perhaps as something I needed to live better. After all, there is such a strong discourse around the potential of medical marijuana... But now I see that perhaps I have created those conditions through addicting myself to potent strains of sativa, and that my body and mind might heal and be able to function on their own.

I know this is a too long post. Apologies.

Anything will help :)