I just want to stay at home and hide. =(

It feels like the chain reaction that lead me to this point started a long time ago and has steadily worn me down. I used to have a decent job with decent pay but I was laid off. Since then, I've floundered. I've taken a few low-paying startup jobs, I even worked retail. Then I decided that getting an advanced degree would help and I guess technically it has as I was able to obtain a job right out of grad school making more than I had before. Not a lot, by any means, but it was a step in the right direction.

But I am so utterly miserable I can't explain it. I work with all women, and it's a nightmare. As in high school, there are cliques and, also as in high school, I fit into none of them. Despite being one of four to have a master's, despite being under only the director, I am routinely stepped on, pushed around, snarked at, and have even been yelled at/over. For months now, I've made it a point to speak less and less. I feel like I barely function in my role because no one will really allow it. I don't know if my boss will understand. She certainly doesn't speak up when another woman is acting awfully right in front of her.

I am considering applying to another job but I have only been here for a year (little less). I'm afraid. What if it's more of the same? What if it's worse? What if my boss finds out and fires me anyways, landing me back on the unemployment line? This morning I felt such great pain and anxiety inside me that I broke down in tears for no apparent reason. It's been coming for a while now though, I've been so stressed that my jaw has been painfully clenched for weeks.

I don't want to leave the house, I barely do anything in my free time anymore except watch tv, read, and play video games. I'm binge eating again. When I feel upset, I want to eat. I've been drinking more often too, to lessen the pain in my jaw.

I will be seeing my therapist again in 2 weeks but in the meantime, I can barely drag myself out of bed. I've had no vacation time since I started working and feel so overwhelmed I just want to quit everything. =(