I no longer feel suicidal but the shame is still there.

Just under a year ago, my closest friend stopped me from making an attempt on my life. The details of the situation are still a bit much for me to talk about but it gave her an panic attack and she hasn't forgiven me for what I put her through. I don't blame her for this at all.

In that time, I tried to better myself, both mentally and physically. Something I'd recognized about myself but had never admitted was how ashamed I was of my body. I'd starved myself quite a bit and had dropped down to 113-115 lbs at 5'11". I fucked up a bit along the way but I managed to put on 30 lbs over the past 10 months by working out 5 times a week and typically eating well. It's far from my goal weight but I'm happy with what I've done there.

Mentally, I've made a lot of changes to myself. I got myself to stop looking at depressing stuff and cut off my coping mechanism of suicide humor. I dedicated myself to helping others in similar situations especially my friend who stopped me from ending my life. There were people who had gone through so much worse and it genuinely felt like I was doing something productive.

After this all and much more...I still feel incredibly unhappy with myself and especially with what I've done. Even though I think I've become a better person over this time in important ways, I still hurt people in that time. Before then, I'd hurt so many too. In a terrible way, I wish I'd died a year ago. I don't think I'm worthy of living. It feels like the world would be a better world if I'd left it.

I don't feel like taking my life anymore. I know that would hurt...maybe even kill some of the people I know around me. If I died, maybe it wouldn't be so bad as long as it wouldn't hurt others. I guess maybe all of this is the depression part I need to fight. I've won more of this battle than I thought I would've at the start. If you read all of this, you have my thanks.