I fucked up

So, Saturday night (or rather Sunday morning) at about 5 o'clock I decided that it would be a great idea to tell one of my oldest female friends how absolutely in love I have been with her for a while now. Of course it ended badly for me, as she is already in a relationship. So now, after having talked things almost through, we've come to a standstill. Neither of us wants this friendship to end, but I'm so embarrassed about my sudden outpouring, that I'm not sure if I can look her in the eye anymore.

And the thing is, by my experience these feelings don't go away fast. In fact of the two women before her whom I have confessed my feelings, I can only talk to one. And it took a while. Some 5 or so years in fact. The other one, well, let's just say we had a violent parting of ways. Not violent as in physically violent, but emotionally.

To top this off, I am a depressed, diabetic schizophrenic. So it will take at least 5 years until I can be with her like we used to. Maybe closer to 10. And I don't plan to live that long, so yeah. This friendship has sailed on without me.

And please don't link any of that anti-suicide shit here, I'm not at a risk now. Just, you know, I'll do it someday.

PS. I don't know if this is the right sub for this, didn't feel right posting this on r/schizophrenia