Thank you so much! I agree, I felt that rushed feeling at the end when I read it through a few times after I wrote it too. I definitely am going to try to add more to it.  Thank you again! I really appreciate it!

Very provocative piece, and a surprisingly pleasant read given its nature.

This style seems well-suited to live readings, so I'd hope you give it a try. You have sprinkled many near rhymes throughout your piece, which smooth out the piece very well. I also love the repetition of your 'L' and 'S' consonants, which seems to reflect the "loneliness" of the narration.

The self-aware narrator is what really gets to me. Your language lends the image of a sad and thoughtful person, hurt and betrayed by a former lover, confusedly searching for scattered pieces of his or her identity. The narration in this piece is superb.

I would really like for you to give us a few more lines on this piece. As of now, the pace of the conclusion is asymmetrical to the way you began: it feels like you rushed into finishing the piece; or had meant to say more before you wrapped up. Maybe I'm wrong, but I do think that for such a thoughtful piece, you could finish out stronger.

Lovely work, great read.

Wow, thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and write such a helpful response! I agree 100%, I felt that those lines were a bit cliche as well. I really like your recommendation for that specific line also. you're right about the abab scheme; for some reason I always end up writing in that rhyme scheme whenever I sit down and let the words flow out, haha. Thank you so much again, I have never shared my writings before so your words really are encouraging and helpful!

This is a very raw piece on a subject I think most people who've experienced a bad breakup can draw from (spoiler, i'm one of them).  

I love the abrasive in your face start to it. It makes no attempt to mince words or make the message pretty in any way and as a result the message comes through as loudly and clearly as I imagine the emotion that inspired this piece feels.  

I do have two main suggestions that may help your message be felt in a more evocative way, beyond just being heard and literally understood from a reader's perspective. 

The first is my big one. I use this criticism a lot, but I also believe it to be one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given. I related to the content of your poem in a way that my own past experiences allowed me to channel. I personally find that the best poetry finds ways to communicate to people who may have no pre-existing channel. While I praise the bluntness of the language, it starts to lose impact very quickly unless you find words 

Thank you!! I really like that you said it's easy to read. Even if it comes off as boring, it's my preference that it's something that could maybe make someone feel something without looking too deep into it? At least that's what I hope to achieve with improvement! I'll have to check out Easton Ellis! Thank you again!! It means a lot! 

This is easily one of the best poems I've read on here :)   

One of its best aspects is the subtle rhythm going on underneath the poem that ties it together--makes it really easy to read, regardless of what is actually being said.  

Additionally, I really like the themes presented here. They remind me very much of the author Bret Easton Ellis (of American Psycho and Less Than Zero fame), especially in regard to the last several lines--the self humanization and raw discharacterization of oneself (which are echoed throughout his novels).        

In particular, "Living life by a script"... paints a fantastic (yet grim) picture.   

Really good work!   

Love the subject, and I think you communicated the emotions well. I enjoy the rhythm in the first six lines. I almost feel like that could be a poem in itself. The next six fall off the rhythm, but the subject is still there. Maybe things become not descriptive enough for my taste, but the last line really hits home your message. Good stuff overall.

You're right, I'm reworking it now and I took those abstract words out and replaced then and I like it much better now. I also took your "show me" advice too. Thank you!

Like how others have said, this piece truly touches points in what people go through during the awkward phase of break up and before getting into a relationship. This poem has potential to be gripping in the sense of using concrete words rather than abstract ones like "lies" "fling":

It does seem like you know the essence of the emotion of loneliness but bring words that we can grab, smell, hear in comparison. That will allows us to be in that moment with you when you describe "a dirty hook up in the backseat of the car" what makes it dirty? 
"A fling with a stranger in a bar" 
show me what happens. 

There are a lot of good pieces that you can work off from the poem. Try to expand on the lines and find a metaphor or something that will bring that emotion into light. 

No I just think you could have been a bit nicer about it but I do appreciate the criticism!

Lol, your downvote doesn't make you seem very interested.  Enjoy your yes-men.

>he filled me but I felt empty

Trite and unremarkable both as a sentiment and a sentence. I feel like I've read variations of this pun/idea about a million times, and It bored me from the first one.

>my fingers touch but they do not feel

>when I make love, it is not real

Hold your horses, Dr. Seuss, this doesn't seem like the poem for this forced rhyme.

>a year long relationship

>a year built on lies

Unremarkable sentiment/expression, and awkward shoehorning-in of the setting half way through the poem.

>living my life by a script

>things to help me get by

Empty filler lines thrown in for nothing but the lies/by near rhyme.  The written equivalent of adding sawdust to your bread dough.

>but its only a mask; not a fix

Yes, yes. Masks, presenting ourselves, public versus private, putting on an act, etc., etc.

>loneliness still seeps off my lips

Things don't seep off. Seep out of, sure. Seep into, sure, but this is a misused idiom with the wrong preposition. Not grammatically

I like this. it has a interesting contrast. The meaning is very sad but how its read is rather up beat. 

A dirty hookup in the back seat of a car

he filled me but I felt empty



a fling with a stranger at a bar

putting on my assembly




my fingers touch but they do not feel

when I make love, it is not real




a year long relationship

a year built on lies



living my life by a script

things to help me get by




but its only a mask; not a fix

loneliness still seeps off my lips


Feedback:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6rt5lq/great_depression/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6s2p5r/fallen_grace/


A Facade