"I love Cherry-Flavored Cola"
Cherry Cola sizzling
At 90,we were driving
Winds loudly whispering
And to me you were smiling [//] I have never thought of loving,
To the point of no returning
I loved Cherry-Flavored Cola
Used to, Love Cherry-Flavored Cola
[1]https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6tf76f/your_patience/?st=J6BDBYAA&sh=5ddf32ad
[2]https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6td10u/haiku/?st=J6BDEAIO&sh=b002295b
Posted Aug 13, 2017, 11:33 PM UTC · edited
It's a different take on the poems I've read that end with a plot twist of lost love. The subject of emphasis you have here is the "Cherry-Flavoured Cola" where usually, it'd be a flower bouquet or something else that connotes romance, so I like how you opted for something different. It makes the poem more personal, in a sense.
I wrote a poem going for a similar effect to this one lately, and I'll impart some of the advice I got as well as some of my own.
Before that though, I want to praise the focus of the poem on such an unconventional concrete subject which really does help for the misdirection you're going for. The pining for love lost is always such a powerful source that can often be lost in cliches and you found an excellent way to have your own voice in that conversation.
The repetition is effective, but I think it's too much to make it both the name and first line of the poem. You may want to consider just naming the poem "I love Cherry-Flavored Cola" and leaving out the first line.
While the disconnection from what is being said helps to serve as foreshadowing to the twist at the end, you should try to mask the tone a little better earlier on and I think that punch at the end will have a bigger impact. I think it'd work so much better if you started it out with powerful vivid language, like a fond recollection of the memory that fades into the melancholy tone that defines the ending.
Winds loudly whispering
While I'm a huge fan of this form of juxtaposition I think the words chosen make it come across somewhat weak. perhaps something more along the lines of
The winds roared in a whisper
I love what you've got going in this, but I also think it could use a little tweaking. You've got something good here and if you polish it up some I think you'll have something to really be proud of. Keep writing, and thank you for sharing!
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I like the double repetition here, it really brings home the story you're portraying. "And to me you were smiling" isn't my favorite, I'm not a fan of that very passive style, but maybe that's just me. I definitely enjoyed it, though!