Fuck Libido - how I (F26) learned to recover my sex life (NSFW)

This is a post for those who are going through a rough patch in their sex life. For those whose libido has vanished. It’s a longish story, followed by a simple realisation that sex drive is made out to be more important than it actually is.

Most people haven’t heard of Vaginismus. In short it’s a blanket term for when pelvic muscles, specifically the ones that make up the vagina, cramp up involuntarily – either chronically or as a reaction to something trying to enter the canal. This results in varying experiences of pain – from slight burning sensations during intercourse to not being able to get a tampon or a finger in that god-damn hole.

Statistics vary but it is safe to say that around 10% of women suffer from Vaginismus at some point in their lives.

You could say that I’m one of the lucky ones. I hardly ever experience pain while not doing anything vagina related, I can even use tampons. Penetrative sex, however, is not possible. In 2014 after a series of UTI’s and yeast infections my vagina decided to go into a cramped state. Since then PIV sex is accompanied by searing pain. Once my SO and I figured out that this was not a curable infection that could vanish after a dose of antibiotics, the foundations of our relationship started to shake. We haven’t had PIV sex in 3 years.

I should take a moment to tell you how absolutely amazing my partner has been throughout this whole ordeal. Sex plays a major part in his identity, over the past years he’s slowly seen part of himself it crumble as my libido vanished, due to the psychological factors that come with having a broken vagina. He was always supportive and never once blamed me, never got angry, never pressured me. He’s what every partner should be in this situation but in reality very few are.

Even though we had become masters of pleasing each other orally, my sex drive continued its steady downfall. Now there was an imbalance where we were once compatible. He would be horny every time he saw me and I just couldn’t get myself there. Rejection followed rejection and both of us were suffering from it. His confidence was bust and I knew it was my fault but was helpless to the situation. We ended up agreeing that he would wait for me to initiate and for our relationship to work I would have to try to make sex a priority in my life.

I tried. I really did. I tried to remember how good sex used to be but I couldn’t. All I saw was this mountain of guilt and stress. I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible, to switch all my offs off and turn all my ons on. It worked sometimes but initiation became an almost clinical process – a check-list of things that had to be met. Passion was nowhere to be found. But still better than nothing, right?

A week ago, I was lying next to my sleeping man, asking myself for the 1000th time where the hell my libido went. What was stopping me from wanting sex? Oral sex was good, right? It wasn’t painful, my man would always get me to orgasm so why wasn’t I craving it? Every time we do it is fun. Why the hell don’t I want to do something that is so entertaining and healthy for our relationship?! Then it hit me. All I had to do was stop thinking of sex as anything else but an entertaining activity. All I had to do was treat it like a hobby. Sex still wouldn’t mean as much to me as it does to my partner but this would allow me to initiate and join in on the fun without needing to make a big deal out of it. I can finally trick my brain into switching itself off.

Since then we’ve had a ton of fun in bed. Every time we get close and cuddly, I ask myself if I want to have some fun and of course I do! Now I’m left with feeling like and idiot because it took me three years to realise this. I’m sure most are face-palming by now but if help one person come to a similar realisation with this post I’m happy.

As for my Vaginismus: I’m currently in physiotherapy, it’s helping but I’m not quite cured yet. (visit the sub r/vaginismus to learn more)

TL;DR Pain during PIV sex killed my libido and almost my relationship. I never wanted oral either even though it was excellent. Realised that I had to stop waiting for my libido to return and instead take matters into my own hands. Saved my relationship by seeing sex as a fun activity rather than a vital part of mine and my partners life.