Our therapist fired us (ish) (AKA the continuing drama of me and my abdl wife)

Hi. Me again.

Before she left for NY we had a fight over finances. She's always been frugal, this was one thing I LOVED about my husband. Suddenly she's spending money like water and has BLOWN past her $100 a month budget. I brought this up when she wanted to go buy more stuff and it was like I was Cinderella's Evil Stepmother. I didn't understand! (cue emo music) It was because it was for girl things! (louder emo music) I DIDN'T WANT HER TO BE PRETTY! (slamming door, blaring music, sobbing into the phone background noises)

I make fun but it seriously felt like I had an actual daughter for a bit there. I felt so betrayed because our entire relationship I was the one being told off if I went a DOLLAR over the budget. And now? If it's for HER, it's all fine.

Two days later she went to New York and I had a bit of a breakdown while she was gone. I found out that she took herself off her Prozac WEEKS AGO because "clearly her dysphoria was the only cause of her depression and now that she's happy she doesn't need it". I protested because 1) that's not how anti-depressants WORK and 2) She's smarter than that and KNOWS that's not how anti-depressants work, 3) she LIED TO ME by OMISSION and YES IT FUCKING COUNTS AS LYING, when I did the same thing last year she was PISSED and yelled at me for days, the HYPOCRITE, 4) she didn't VOLUNTEER this information. Yet again, I had to DRAG it out of her.

She was planning on going clubbing on Thursday. I found out on Monday because when she said she was going clubbing I asked if she was going to volunteer as the designated driver because her meds don't mix well with liquor. THAT'S how I found out.

So, not only has she been lying about being on her medication for three weeks, OUR THERAPIST KNEW. So I sent an email to the therapist asking for some clarification on why that was appropriate.

My spouse got really upset with me for getting upset. Fine. Whatever.

Get an email from the therapist that she can't be our individual therapist any more. She'll still do our marriage counseling but there's too much "she said/she said" going on and our therapist doesn't feel up to being an acting gender therapist when she has zero training in it. My wife is SUPER upset about this because 1) it was a nightmare getting her to trust THIS therapist in the first place, much less going to therapy at all, and 2) this therapist is the one who was pushing for her to transition, pointing out that her happiness was paramount, selfishness is okay, etc.

So now we both have to find individual therapists and I don't know if she's going to. I did some research and found her several men and women who are LGBTQA+ friendly, but she hasn't said boo about it and changes the subject whenever I bring it up.

Thursday she implied that she wasn't going clubbing after all. (Concerned for her safety, I sent her a bunch of guidelines for ladies going clubbing not in a group. Hand over your drink, abandon the drink if you leave it alone, etc, type stuff. Safety stuff that's POUNDED into you if you grow up female.)

She said I was being silly, it was only happy hour, etc. This is prime cheating on me time, btw. I still wasn't "over" that yet, seeing as the request to cheat happened LAST WEEK. A close friend of hers yelled at her for asking permission to cheat on me, reminded her that she was in the wrong, and she admitted that she knew she wasn't doing the right thing and that she wouldn't cheat but she was a little sulky about it at first.

So I'm at home, in KS, waiting on the "I'm back at the hotel" message. It's getting on to midnight. Happy hour? LONG OVER. So I start messaging, getting worried. Did she get hurt? She was only out with one other girl. Was she cheating after all? Did she get lost? Was she shitfaced in an alley somewhere? Was she sick? Did she get separated from her friend? The shoes she brought were TOTALLY impractical for walking/clubbing, but she flat out ignored me when I tried to give her a head's up on that front.

I'd spent the ENTIRE DAY defending her from my family members that thought I was fucking nuts for "letting her" go out with her friend (like I had a fucking choice). That she was clearly cheating either with the friend or someone else. That she was being so disrespectful. So I was psycho. With worry. With fear. With the stress of defending her against all comers. Again.

I've never been the "crazy girlfriend/wife" type. I've never been in a position where distrust and fear and whatnot built up to a "go psycho" place. I was always a little judgemental of women who did that, like they were giving the rest of us a bad name. It never occurred to me to wonder if maybe, just maybe, there was a reason for that kind of behavior. A straw/camel type reason.

I was overflowing and tried to tell her my fears (also my fault, I picked an AWFUL time), but she was drunk, and joyous, and didn't want to hear me, so she handed me off to her friend who was probably being quite reasonable but I was just GONE at that point so I was way past reason. I lost it all over that lady too, mostly because (from my perspective) I didn't know that my wife had just THRUST this woman in between us, it seemed like a "nosy/pushy woman who DIDN'T know US and only had HER say on what was going on" had grabbed the phone and started lecturing me.

I told her - not at all politely, I was screaming and swearing - to put my wife back on the phone. I'm ashamed of this behavior. (I DID ask my wife the next day to show her friend a text I wrote apologizing and offering to call and say sorry 'in person' so to speak. I own up when I fuck up and I fucked up HUGE there.)

Needless to say, it deteriorated from there. My wife ignored my requests to return to her hotel room so we could talk, said that she was going to return when it was "socially acceptable" to do so, and that she was tired of "sacrificing her happiness on the altar of [me]". This isn't the first time she's outright ignored a request of mine, to help me be comfortable, in the name of "having fun".

She's been trying to retroactively say she's been a woman this entire time and that I knew it and was holding her back on purpose because I didn't want her to be herself. She's trying to say that she's been sacrificing all these years and she's been 100% miserable, and rewriting history, and it's such fucking BULLSHIT. Maybe she's been unhappy, I'll buy that, but you can't fucking BLAME that on ME if she didn't SAY ANYTHING. You can't resent someone else and blame them for the choices YOU MAKE.

When she did get back to the hotel room, she didn't call me for two hours. So I waited up forever, worried and upset.

I ended up going back to a coping strategy that I haven't employed in YEARS.

I sliced up my arm. I'm so ashamed of myself and so hurt and so mad at myself that I did that. I used to stress overeat, and thankfully I've only done that once in this entire time, but I cut myself a LOT. Shallowly, so I could "plausibly" claim cat scratches, but a lot. They've been itching like mad. I didn't feel like I could bother the people on my suicide-plan list because it was SO late. And I couldn't drive myself to the hospital, I had no one to watch my kids.

When she got back, we had another several hard conversations where I'm no fun, she deserves fun, she was depressed leaving NY because it's 24/7 awesomeness there and here is just miserable. She wants to go visit her buddy in SF next month. She's got another work retreat in October. She wants to go to the Power and Light district (downtown part area) every week. All I ever do is hold her back from what she wants - financially, emotionally, etc.

Saturday night we had the two different sets of neighbors over (the friend that came and defended me was one of them) and she spent the entire time gushing about how she didn't want to return to KS and how she totally passed and everyone thought she was actually a woman and that she only got "clocked as male" once.

She went on this huge story about getting a free drink from an Irish bartender, and how she flirted with him, and the security guard who never accepted candy from her when she was a guy was just PSYCHED to accept candy from her now, and just on and on and on.

It hurt. I'd just spent MY BIRTHDAY PARTY defending my relationship to HER FAMILY. HER FAMILY was telling me that it was over, that I needed to walk, and that they were surprised at how rapid everything was going (this was the first time they'd seen her in person since she'd "come out" on FB).

Her aunts, her cousins... all of them were trying to get me to walk. They all said that they loved her and that they accepted her but that they never imagined her so selfish. They were SO PISSED on my behalf. And when I forgot and pushed my sleeve up because 1) it'd been so long since I'd coped in a self-harm manner that I forgot the rules of hiding it, and 2) it was hot.

They saw. They freaked. They're pelting me with suicide hotlines. I don't want to die... much. I just don't want to HURT all the time.

And like a pathetic loser all I could think about was, "I'm trying to see her side of things. I'm trying to make this work. I'm trying!!!"

There's more. Of course there's more. I know this isn't about being trans, it's about being selfish, but being trans is so woven in and out of this entire thing that this is the only place I feel SAFE to vent. Where people might plausibly understand this or the feelings she's having, or how she's clearly acting out. I hear that she's got this GIGANTIC need for validation right now and it's causing her to act in a selfish way.

The goal right now is to hang on until she's been on HRT for awhile and see if she starts to mellow out. To see if this sudden grasping need for FUN FUN FUNGODDAMNIT and inconsideration eases up or if this is a core component of her "new" personality.

I'm hoping that as she sinks more into herself that her "Trans Island" (tm, "Inside Out" lol) ends up being a little bit less intense and New York City lights and a little more "Hey, I've got a decent thing here".

I'm probably just reaching. I know this isn't healthy. But I can't give up. I'm not ready to give up yet. I guess I'm just pathetic.