Captain's Log: Day 10.

Body chemistry has returned to normal function. Gastritis has ceased. Excrement has solidified. Urine is no longer bubbly from dehydration.

Mind has gone back to mild manageable anxiety and is no longer in an alcohol induced deep depression.

I am thankful I am back to this state and not laying up in a hospital somewhere or inside of a jail cell.

The radio was playing and I finally didn't feel dread but enjoyment. But this is the feeling a fear most; feeling like I'm well again and that my body can handle the alcohol again. That I just need to moderate this time, make sure I eat enough food and drink enough water, and It will all be ok.

However, I've gone through this vicious cycle one too many times, and although you are convincing my alcoholic brain, I'm not going to let you fool me this time. Feeling 'normal' again, is not an excuse to go down the rabbit hole again and see what delusional, psychotic, inebriated voyage you can take me on.

I am grateful to have come back to my senses, and not in the lull of darkness that you oh so gently let me slip into with your ever so sweet ways. I know what lays at the bottom of that glass, it represents a portal into nothingness that every time i go through it, i lose a part of myself in the process. I lose a person or two in my life, I lose a person or two's respect, I lose peoples perception of me every time i go to the bottom of that glass.

Things may not be perfect without you, but at least I am the driver of this ship, no matter how crazy the waves my crash on me, the wheel is in my hand, I will no longer let you steer the course of my life because I know that there is only one place you can steer me and that is my demise, that will hurt people in it's path.

You'll always be a shadow on me, and will always be lurking in the distance for as long as I live, but I'm ok with that, I have accepted that, and i know you will watch me from a distance. But i take great satisfaction knowing that I have the power to keep you at a distance and can watch you also, as long as I don't touch you, you can't do anything to me no matter what sweet song you may sing to me. There will be days that I may wave at you, there may be days where your shadow blocks out any light, But I know those days will pass also, and the sun will shine again.