My favorite summary of Mormonism

About a year and a half ago, this was the top review for the book of Mormon on Amazon. I just looked for it on Amazon and couldn't find the review, so it may have been removed. I thought it was a brilliant summary of Mormonism, so thought I'd share here in case there are people who didn't see it before. To be clear, I did not write the review - it far exceeds my wit and ability. Enjoy.

"Somewhat addictive game at first, decent sequel to the studio’s other game (Heaven: Total War). All my friends and family play all the time, but I eventually stopped playing after 28 years. I’ve heard World of Warcraft is better.

For those who have never played before: You start by creating a new character. You can only choose between straight male or female characters, and race selection is very limited. (UPDATE: more races added beginning with patch v1978). Along with race, some stats and options might be limited depending on your last score in Heaven: Total War. These might include starting location, initial gold amount, upgrade path, clan size, etc. HINT: Males tend to have a much better upgrade path.

One you’ve created your new character, you are automatically assigned to a clan and you start at level 0. The first part of the game is somewhat boring, mostly you just follow your clan around and slowly level up by performing repetitive tasks, reading passages from a few select scrolls, and reciting incantations every morning and night. Once you reach level 8 one of the high-level village males will offer to perform a spell on you and make you an official village member. (NOTE: This is a big commitment that will affect the outcome of the rest of the game and could cost a lot of gold. At this point you’re still a noob and probably have no idea what’s going on, but you should accept anyway because this is the only way to continue playing.)

For male characters, at level 12 you can become a Magician, and at level 14 you become a Wizard. At level 16 you become a Mage and will receive the ability to add new village members. Finally at level 18 you can become a Warlock if your stats are good enough. At each level you gain new abilities. Female characters can level up similarly, but won’t receive new abilities, nor can they perform spells of any kind.

HINT: You can get a bit of a head start by choosing to import a character instead of creating a new one. Two existing players will be assigned to guide you through some character modifications before you can join. You’ll need to dump any health, stamina, and mana potions because those are disallowed, and chances are you’ll need to buy new armor. You’ll also have to commits to recurring in-game purchases. Note that the game doesn’t work in every region, so characters from certain countries cannot be imported.

Anyway, the game has a few primary quests. The first quest IMO is sort of a marketing gimmick added by the creator to popularize the game. It’s not required, but if you are a male character then you will lose most of your charism points if don’t do it. You can start at level 18 (level 19 for female characters). Before accepting the quest you must first obtain sweaty armor by performing the Finger Dance of Bestowal at a covered shrine. Once you accept the quest, you will be transported to a random location on the map where you will help onboard other players and aid character imports. There is a timer so you have to work fast. The more imports you have, the higher your charisma. The higher your charisma, the easier it will be to complete the second quest. When the timer runs out you will automatically be bumped a level or two and will be teleported back to your clan.

At any point after main the first quest, you can begin your second quest which is to build your own clan. You’ll need several players to accomplish this - exactly one male character and one or more female characters (UPDATE: As of patch v1890, you must have exactly one male and one female character). The higher your charisma, the easier it is to locate compatible characters (Be quick, though! Each new level drops your charisma, and after level 25 it’s nearly impossible to find a match). Each character will need to have obtained sweaty armor, regardless of whether or not they completed the first quest. The characters must gather for a ceremony at the covered shrine where they will then obtain a clan seal. Other players may be present at the ceremony, but only if they also have the sweaty armor.

This second quest is the longest quest of the game, and the goal is to expand the size of your clan as much as possible before reaching level 50. I won’t tell you how to add new clan members because it’s a spoiler, but keep in mind that having a clan constantly drains both your gold and health. The larger your clan becomes, the higher the drain and the more side quests you’ll need to do in order to obtain gold. As mentioned before, stamina potions are not allowed so you can only recover stamina through sleep. Sleep duration and effectiveness decreases with clan size. At some point during this quest you will likely be able to upgrade your male character to an Archmage.

Once you hit level 50 (or once all of your clan members have created their own clans), you can start the third quest. It’s essentially the same as the first quest, but with a relaxed timer and fewer responsibilities. If you’re better than most players and have really high stats, you’ll become a Quest Master and get to control a portion of the map, including players in their first or third quest. Quest Masters get free gold and level up very quickly.

If your stats aren’t very high after the third quest, the game gets boring very quickly. Unlike other games in this genre, when you hit your max level the server will boot you and you have to wait for the next game to be released. However, if you have super high stats then things get interesting. The game maintainers might give you more quests and grant you extra abilities. If you’re the best of the best, you might even become a maintainer when one of them quits. At that point you’ll have the ability to control all the gold in the game and rewrite some of the rules if you want to.

I’m only giving this game 3 stars because while it can be entertaining at times, it does have some serious flaws. First of all, the original game creator is a douche bag. They don’t tell you these things in the game and you have to research them yourself, but this guy isn’t what most players think he is. Seriously, look him up. He’s half the reason I stopped playing. Also, the maintainers seem out of touch with the player base and always seem to make the worst policies, some of which are seriously harmful, and somehow they think they’re not part of the problem. It can be very toxic at times.

The storyline is all over the place and doesn’t make much sense when you try to think about it rationally, despite the maintainers’ sorry attempts to clarify things. Some parts of the game seem useless. For example, all players are required to gather every week in their villages where high-level characters will repeat the game’s instructions over and over, and point out players’ low stats. There are several unpatched bugs as well. The game will crash if you attempt to obtain a clan seal using two males or two females. It also refuses to import characters whose clans are headed by two males or two females.

Lastly, although it’s free to play, you have to pay to win; I played every day for 28 years and had to spend about 10% of all my gold on in-game purchases just to get anywhere. You can’t access the covered shrines or complete most of the quests without these regular purchases. It’s just insane.

I’ve met other players who have quit. Some of them have gone on to play a different game, but I find that many like myself are so disillusioned with this game that we’ve given up games entirely. It’s been difficult, but I am much happier now.

For anyone considering this game, please take the time to do some honest research before you commit your life and money."