No crank no start after valve work

TLDR: 2009 Dodge RAM 1500 4.7L Fleet maintenance, the engine won't turn over. When the key is moved to the ON position, all electronics work, the fuel pump turns on and pressurizes the system, and the security light blinks. But when the key's moved to IGNITION, nothing turns over. Any ideas?

The long story: I had a pronounced ticking noise in my engine, loss of power, and a small coolant leak for a while (bad water pump), so a friend and I decided to tackle it. We decided to do some exploratory surgery to get to at least the rockers and lifters to inspect them, with timing and head removal later if necessary. Per the shop manual, we stripped the following:

Battery was disconnected

Electrical harness

Fuel rail and injectors

Throttle body and intake manifold

Tensioner and serpentine belt

Water pump

Moved power steering and A/C compressor pump out of the way

Valve covers

Top 8 spark plugs

All rocker arms

All lifters

The following items were replaced with OEM components, and everything else was thoroughly cleaned and refurbished:

Water pump

Top 8 spark plugs (heat profile matched, properly gapped); the lower 8 were left

Lifters

Coolant temp sensor

The injectors were especially dirty, all but two were thoroughly cleaned and reinstalled. All but 3 of the lifters had lateral play on them; all were replaced. 

After proper reassembly (oh, those valve keepers can f*#ck right off), the behavior at the beginning of the post is observed; it won't even attempt to turn over. As far as troubleshooting, the engine can be spun freely at the crank and has good compression, the fuel pump can be heard turning on, the fuel rail gets charged, and then...nothing. 

Both the starter and the battery are less than 8 months old, and had given me no issue up until this point. My internal lights as well as the headlights are as strong as you can as for stock dodge lamps.

The truck is behaving like the immobilizer system has been tripped. I have one key I've always used, and there's the "valet" key just for the doors.

Is there a cold-start procedure that we missed? Is the ECU getting in the way? Are we missing something else? Any help is appreciated.