Where I'm at now

I had a suicide attempt after one of the many panic attacks I've had at my current job. I went on medical leave, I tried to come back, my job did a good job of sort of "re-onboarding" me, but ultimately they couldn't get me a less stressful position, I hung on until a few weeks ago where I had another massive attack and quit. They said I could stay on until I found something else but then it quickly was given the deadline of the 31st. They've been really generous with me and understanding. I have a lot of people helping me. Vocational Rehabilitation, a shrink, counselor, two recruiting agencies, but I can't even lift a finger. I feel like the whole world is in my corner and I can't even go out there and throw a punch. I'm too depressed, I don't care, I'm supposed to still be working but I just rotate amongst the same stupid sites.
I feel like I'm broken, why can't I just work in a cube and concentrate and but content with the ant farm like everyone else? There is so much at stake too, I've got a wife and kids and step kinds and another kid on the way. But I JUST, CAN'T, CARE. The only thing holding me together right now is I get to see my therapist tonight but really, I feel like I'm just running out the clock until then. Wasting away time unable to help myself. I don't really WANT another job, I just know I HAVE to have one, to pay for my meds and my morgage and stuff, I just can't, don't want to. When I finally get out of work I just piss away that time. I went to bed early last night but I was still so exhausted and had so much trouble staying awake like being awake just in and of itself is too much work.

Thanks for listening.