An Open Letter to My Ex (who wanted kids)

• This one's for all of you, men and women, who had a relationship end because someone wanted kids. I'm female, but I think it could apply to guys as well.

*It's long too. No TLDR.

Dear Ex,

We started in the summer and ended in the summer - three years later. We started out strong and fun. In fact, the more I think about it, you probably only wanted to date me for fun.

You wanted to date me for fun the same way your weekend-warrior dads dated girls ten years younger than them did. You wanted a young fun girl to drink with. A girl who was pretty to "show off to your friends" (yes you used that phrase to me.)

But you also had an ulterior motive. You wanted a girl who wasn't attached to a family or a guy. You wanted a girl who wasn't 'used up' as they say to have a family with. And despite me telling you early on that I didn't want kids, you didn't take me seriously. You're a guy in your 30s with a nice established job. You wanted all the hallmarks of manhood that your friends and coworkers had - an attractive girl to have your kids and stay home with them. Someone young enough to have energy to keep up with them so you could continue to work - sometimes up to two full weeks on the road - and enjoy your kodak moments that would inevitably come from you sipping your beers.

You were very kodak from the start. Always taking photos of me and us in the stereotypical 'tourist' locations nearby. You wanted to "show me off to your friends" at the bar. Whenever they made an attempt (not very often) to get to know me, you would start speaking for me instead of letting me answer for myself.

Eventually, less than a year into the relationship, you began the shitshow of a cycle. You'd break up with me because "you wanted kids." Then, a month later, you'd expect me to want to jump right back in with you. Using all the stereotypical gestures of sending me flowers, getting upset when I didn't prioritize your texts or calls, constantly badgering after my single lifestyle with jealousy. Eventually, I would fold and go back to you like you wanted. You'd say you'd be good without kids "as long as we were together."

Three months later, I'd post something about being ChildFree, and you'd get distant. You'd start working on backing out again. And you would. Only to have the same fucking cycle start all over again. For over two years of our three year relationship, this was us.

Like most kodak dads, you didn't want to put in any of the work in our relationship. Never wanted to discuss issues. Got upset and avoidant when I demanded we discuss our issues. I began to see where this was going. If I did fold and have kids with you, this was a great preview as to how you'd handle being a father.

I once talked about how I wanted to post a list on my Facebook about forms of birthcontrol, how they worked, and what could cause them to fail for other women, inspired by a friend whose birthcontrol failed a couple of times. You didn't want me to research or post it because "it made you uncomfortable" since you wanted kids.

You weren't much of a reader, but I could see our marriage being much like that in 'We Need to Talk about Kevin.' In which I would resent the child and you would think the world of it. You would never take my side.

I began to see other patterns. Most of your 'friends' were overgrown fratboys. They had their kids for a few days a week - all from broken marriages. They'd bitch about their exwives viciously. They'd date women ten years younger than them - just like you. Always getting drunk.

I don't know why I was surprised to hear that you were having reservations about me because "your friends didn't have much nice to say about me." I was already becoming YOUR exwife and we weren't even married. I pointed out that they were shit friends to you who saw their time with their kids as a small burden and talked shit about all their exes. I pointed that out and you got upset.

When you said you wanted to give your parents grandkids, I suggested that maybe your sister would give them. You got kinda enraged about that. LoL.

When people asked what I did for a living, I said I wrote sex fiction because I did. You desperately tried to reason that this was embarassing to you. Fuck you. It's what I did at the time. When I got drunk one night and pretended to pole dance with some friends, you also got unreasonably mad. Because it's 'slutty.' I said, okay well I don't want you to go to strip clubs since you can't respect the strippers anymore.

I could go on and on with the list of reasons why I should have left you sooner. But you cut of your own nose despite your face eventually. A month before I was supposed to move in with you, you decided to break it off because "I was too feminist and you didn't like it. Plus you wanted kids." The same stupid song and dance. I let you have it. I was determined not to make the same naive mistake. I cut you free and had a "GEEKGODDESS IS SINGLE FOR GOOD" party. We burned all the items I had acquired from you over our relationship in a glorious fire pit. The girls ran around with no bras or shirts in the yard and the guys were decent enough not to call us 'sluts' or get 'uncomfortable.'

Looking back on it, 'uncomfortable' was your favorite word - especially when something threatened your sense of worth or masculinity - which was fragile as fuck by the way. I suggest you work on that.

Of course, as I predicted, you tried to start talking to me again. You wanted to start fresh or whatever. You did the same 'gestures' you tried before. The letters sent, the packages of gin and chocolate (thank you for those. whatever squeeze I had and I enjoyed them). You did the whole attempting to imploring about my single woman sexuality. Your friend reported some 'BDSM' article to you and you mentioned it with a displaced sense of concern.

Finally, you tried to hit what was once my weakest spot. "I'm okay with not having kids as long as I'm with you." But I had learned. Not having kids was also a blow to your masculinity. Ultimately, you would still break it off again later when you thought you had me where you wanted me. You spoiled manchild you.

I didn't fall for that either. Still you persisted. I found a childfree guy - and he's perfect. Over a year later, and I still think he's perfect. I feel comfortable in my relationship now. And my own skin. More than ever before. I have someone who is on the same page as me, who doesn't feel threatened by my femininity and the way it may make some guys drool.

In other words, I have a man whose sense of masculinity is so strong, that neither kids, my feminism, my opinionated nature, nor my intensity threaten it. And for that he's a better man than you. He's about six years younger than you, and he's still more solid in himself than you.

So I ask you, ex, why did you really want kids? Was it the allure of taming a wild woman? Of knowing your jizz was still potent? Of having a woman in your home to basically be a servant? Is it because of your friends and coworkers? Or because of your families desires?

In other words, do you want kids because of the world's influences on you or because YOU WANT THEM? BECAUSE YOU WANT TO PARENT THEM?

I have the distinct feeling it's not the latter. It's because your sense of manhood is threatened. And if that can threaten it, then it's false. It's not real manhood.

I hope you find confidence in yourself and sureness in your decisions. I hope you find a woman who can get through to you about yourself in a way that you'll understand. I hope - if you truly want kids for the right reasons - you get them. You get a big happy family. And I hope they take after you, assuming you develop a stronger sense of self and confidence.

More than that, I hope you learn to respect women. Respect their sense of self and stop letting it threaten your masculinity. If you built it on sand, then the powerful waves of a woman's nature will eventually tear it down. If you built it on solid rock, nothing will stop it. You could acheive whatever you wish with that mindset.

Sincerely,

Your ex