Limbo

It's like, so incredibly difficult to be in this place with you. This grey area. This limbo. Where the normal rules don't apply, and i'm constantly unhappy, and rays of light only come in once in a while and i'm not even sure if they're worth it anymore.

It's not your fault i guess. i guess. i want to blame you but then my mind keeps replaying all the things i've done wrong, and forces me to see how i put us in this situation. i try to justify my actions and choices but it gets harder as we go. maybe im too empathetic.

a part of me will always love you, and a part of me will always hate you. i wish i could figure out which part was stronger. then maybe i could take myself out of this fucking mess we're in.

what am i even supposed to say to you now? how do we go back to normal? how and why do you think i should trust anything you tell me? you're a liar. even if your intentions aren't bad when you do it, even if you're just trying to make sure im not hurt and that i dont hate you any further. the solution isn't to keep lying it's to not do the things that hurt me.

i feel trampled on. wrung out. small and little and embarrassed. what must your friends think of me. of us. of this fucked up situation. do they feel bad for me? do they think i deserve it? do they think we're fucking idiots because i know i do.

i dont even know if you're worth it. really. i mean theres a reason we broke up before right? there's a reason i was so unhappy. so mad all the time. maybe i'm just the idiot here for thinking that would change.