Is this it? (Mental description trigger warning)

Something that have always frustrated me, is that I keep rediscovering myself. However, I've never seen them as different parts before, but just as a change in mood.

When I got the diagnosis I had a really hard time convincing myself that I was split into parts. Mostly because that I simply didn't notice the change in my behavior.

However, occasionally i get into a mental state where I have an overview over myself, and notice the contrast between my parts.

Every time it's like rediscovering myself. It's not that I don't recall having this overview before, but a realization that it had been gone for a long time.

I start to see the internal conflict between myself. The way we dress (Which is not agreed upon). The discipline towards work, deadlines and procrastination. The physical change in how I feel in the morning.

A part is obviously the one getting hurt. He comes back anxious in a slighty depressed mood. Flashbacks and memories will hunt him. He doesn't really eat, don't really care and is plagued by thoughts about existential meaninglessness. In general not happy about himself.

Then there's the "teenager". The same mental state I was in when I, out of nowhere, began to express myself, feeling happier and being relaxed towards life.

And now that I think of it. A part that is into being more presentable, whom also focus on carrier and is disciplined in working towards the goal.

These are of course summeries fague.

Before realizing these things, I always just thought that this was how life is supposted to be. I didn't really consider that this internal conflict, combined with, what I would describe as amnesia, wasn't normal.

The worst part is probably that I don't even notice that I change. And neither does other people. To them I stay the same. But I am certain, that in my mind I don't.

I have no way to communicate with the alters. Life just seems to go on in a natural phase, without the definition of "me" changing. And I am unknowingly not in control.

Is this what it feels like?

The frustration of not knowing who I am?

The feeling that I am not in control. The conflict between myself that'll never be a peace, which will therefor not allow me feel happy about myself.

That I'll never be able to truly open myself up to another person, since I can't even open up to myself?