I think I'll always be alone, and I hate myself for it.

Every day, I come home to my one-bedroom apartment and look forward to watching YouTube videos, or playing D&D online, or just listening to audio books while playing video games. Escapism.

I look forward to scuttling away from reality for a few hours, like a hermit crab finding a new shell. I work in front of a computer for over eight hours a day, then come home and sit in front of a computer for hours until I'm too tired and have to go to sleep.

And then I hate falling asleep because it's just a fast-forward to another day, and starting the process over again.

But I can't even enjoy the videos I watch or the games I play, because there's no one to share them with. If I see something funny, I realize that I'm just laughing alone in my apartment, and I don't want to keep watching. I haven't been able to watch a horror movie in years.

I'm in my 30s, and I feel like I broke my life. I look around and see things I haven't touched in years, just sitting gathering dust. There's an entire half of my tiny apartment that I haven't set foot in for over two years now. No one's ever sat in my couch.

Everything I do carries than undertone of "why bother? No one else will ever see or hear this." I was buying a new shower curtain and bath mat today, and spent ten minutes trying to find matching colors...but then I realized that no one other than me would likely ever see them. What's the point?

No one has sent me a personal email in almost a year, and even then it was just a joke email sent to a handful of people.

I just want this constant humiliation to be over with. I feel ashamed to walk outside, like everyone knows how pathetic I am. It's a joke...the bachelor microwaving meals for one on a Saturday evening...that's the comedy shorthand on every sitcom. But it's me. I'm just a joke to everyone.

I'm sorry for the rambling, I just had to say something to someone other than my empty apartment, even if I'm just anonymously muttering to a bunch of strangers.