Has your shadow ever behaved like this?

It was a normal sunny day in my small town in the middle of nowhere when I first noticed my shadow wasn’t mimicking my movements, like shadows always do. It was little things I noticed at first – as I walked I’d move my right hand but the shadow of my left hand would mimic. I’d tilt my head to the left and my shadow would tilt its head to the right. I’d wave at someone with my hand, my shadow would stay still instead.

Once, as I was having lunch with friends at school, my shadow did something it hadn’t before – it got up and walked away from me, leaving me shadowless. It wasn’t glued to the ground anymore; it had stood up and was walking among the people at the cafeteria like a ghostly figure from another world. After a few seconds it turned around and waved at me. I stared at it unbelievably.

‘Are you okay Mia?’, asked Carrie who had obviously noticed I was staring blankly at something.

I think the shadow was calling me. I had to go.

‘Yeah, all good – gotta go, bye’, I said hastily and ran off after the shadow which had taken off again. I heard my friends murmur confusingly after me, wondering why I had left suddenly without even finishing my lunch.

My shadow took me to the backyard of the school, deserted at lunch. I sat down and opened a book. My shadow glued itself to the ground again. I had a feeling it was happy I was alone. I had a feeling it wanted me to stay there for the rest of the day, skip the rest of the classes and then go home – and so I did.

The next day was when I first heard my shadow whisper to me. I was walking to the school entrance when I saw my friends trying to catch my attention enthusiastically. ‘Mia! Over here! Where have you been?’, they were shouting and jumping up and down.

I had the real physical sensation that my shadow was pulling me away from them. Then I heard it: they don’t like you. They think you’re a loser. They’re not your real friends.

I believed it; I had to. It was my shadow after all. I didn’t want to make it angry. I trusted it more than my friends.

I quickly turned around and changed direction, leaving them staring at my back in mild shock.

That’s right, they’re better off without you, whispered the shadow. If you disappeared from their lives and set them free from the ever so annoying obligation to be around you and tolerate you, they’d be so much happier…

It made sense, I thought. I remembered all the times I was simply just moaning about my life, complaining about my parents, how unhappy at school I was, how I wanted to do something completely different with my life than what my parents were pushing me to do… it made all the sense. How annoying I must be; a real downer. No one deserved to listen to all that pathetic crap.

Carrie was calling me. I ignored it. They’re just feeling obliged… they’re feeling sorry for you… they’re selfishly guilty…

I put on some music and carried on reading my book, stretched on my bed.

Good girl.

I skipped school the next day. I still had to go out so that my parents didn’t become suspicious – so I just went to the park with my book.

Carrie tried calling me a few times and texted a ‘what’s going on with u? we’re v worried and a bit offended tbh x’ but I ignored it all.

I settled on a bench and opened my book, my shadow calmly resting on the ground in front of me. After about five minutes some guy around my age approached me and asked me if I had a spare cigarette.

My shadow woke up from its snooze and got up, looking at the stranger in a hostile way. I could tell from its sharp movements.

‘N-no, sorry’, I said and suggestively turned my eyes back to my book, glancing at my shadow quickly only to see it nod in approval.

‘Lovely day, isn’t it?’ said the guy, smiling at me as I looked up. ‘Is a lovely girl like you feeling okay, reading all on her own on this sad bench?’ he asked and flashed a friendly smile.

My shadow was now dangerously close to the stranger. It was holding the shadow of a knife pointed towards him and looking at me.

I got the message it was telling me. It wanted him gone, or else he’d suffer.

’I’m alright, thanks’, I said coldly. ‘Do you always approach people without an invitation?’

His smile turned upside down. ‘I was just being friendly. But I guess you’re not ready yet’, he said and walked away.

Unexpected anger overtook me and for the first time I wished I could talk to my shadow. Could you believe this guy? ‘You’re not ready yet’. Ready for what?

All I want is to be left alone and everywhere you go, there’s people demanding your attention for their own benefit… give me this, tell me that, be my friend, be my lover. So selfish. You don’t need anyone. My shadow nodded in such a violent approval that its shadowy head nearly fell off.

I closed my book with a loud snap and went for a walk in the opposite direction, my shadow dancing around my solitude.

————————————————

Eventually my friends stopped talking to me and we were pretty much like complete strangers. My shadow would make sure I stayed as far as possible, silent, in my own corner, whenever I did turn up for school. My grades started to get worse and worse and my parents were ranting at me on a regular basis. They didn’t know what to say, never really asked if everything was okay or if I was struggling. But it is your fault, of course, the shadow would whisper. They’re completely right. You are a waste of space. You shouldn’t have been born.

Additionally, the shadow began whispering that I would feel better and more in control of my worthless self if I could lose as much weight as possible, you fat blob, it hissed. I started counting calories and measuring portions. My waist shrunk, my cheeks hollowed and I could feel my own ribs sticking out painfully. Well done, fatty. But you have more work to do. Let them bones show, your skeleton is the only part of you that’s worth something.

It went on like this for a while until I eventually woke up one morning and my shadow was not letting me get up. I would try but it was physically impossible to pull myself up. So I laid there until I was late for school and my mum stormed in. I convinced her I wasn’t feeling well.

‘That’s it. We’re going to the doctors, now’, she announced. I looked at her, my eyes empty and my body aching with weakness.

‘I just have a bit of a cold, mum, nothing to worry about. Just need bed rest’, I mumbled and faked a faint cough.

‘A cold? Nonsense! I’ve been watching you lose weight for a while now, and as much as I was hoping it was a teenage phase, or a temporary thing, I can’t stand seeing you like this anymore. We are going to seek help, you’re obviously going through something’, she breathed out at once, her voice shaking with worry.

The shadow suddenly released its grip on me. I could move. But it had taken the shadow of the knife again, and this time it was pointing it towards me.

It was threatening me.

I jumped up from the bed at once and started pleading with my mum to reconsider.

‘No, no, mum, I promise, I will eat, I will go to school… just don’t make me go to the doctors, there’s no need… I am fine. Just a phase, as you said…’, I cried.

My mum looked at me with a grain of empathy and agreed to let me off the hook so I could get some rest.

‘But you’re going back to school tomorrow. No excuses. And you’ll have five nutritional meals today which I will watch you eat.’

My mum stayed home that day, watching every step I made. Eating was weird - I hadn’t eaten anything more than the occasional piece of cheese or half an apple, for a long time.

My shadow was casually holding the knife shadow at all times now. When I finished breakfast, it pointed it towards me threateningly again.

‘I’ll just go to the bathroom’, I told mum.

I went in there and made sure all of my food was out of my body. I wasn’t going to let calories take control over myself.

——————————————————

Next day my mum drove me to school and watched me go in. She had made an appointment with the school counsellor which I had to attend in the afternoon. I, of course, didn’t intend to do so. Not if I was risking my shadow doing something painful to me anyway. It could read my mind too, so I had to be careful what I was thinking at all times.

As soon as mum drove off, I went into the backyard to read - my usual solitary spot.

Except there was someone else there already. The annoying boy I had seen in the park months ago.

He smiled at me faintly. ‘Hey’, he said.

I rushed to turn around and find another spot, completely ignoring his greeting.

Until he spoke again.

‘I can see your shadow.’

I simultaneously froze and tried to catch my breath. My shadow had started to suffocate me, making me feel as if my throat was closing up while my heart was beating out of time, nearly exploding through my chest.

‘I can see it. I had one too’, he spoke again.

I was about to faint. But I managed to turn around slowly. I couldn’t say anything. I just looked at him like a frightened deer, my frail bones shaking with horror.

‘I know you believe what it tells you. I know you do what it says’, he continued. ‘But you don’t have to. It’s all lies. It will not do anything to you’.

I was now feeling sick, a monstrous amount of emotion bubbling up my body, trying to escape.

‘But you might. If you keep listening to it. I can see it has the knife, too. Mine had the knife. Then it had the gun. Which then turned into a real gun.’

I stared at him like he was the only person on this planet that existed at this particular moment.

‘It feeds you lies. It gives you the wrong ideas. It tells you to hurt yourself. Like it did to me. It didn’t hurt me. I did.’

Then he lifted up his shirt and I saw a big red scar on the left side of his chest.

We stood there in silence for what seemed like eternity. My breathing calmed down and my heart slowed. So much was getting clearer to me now. It felt like a cloak of darkness was lifting.

‘Can I buy you a coffee? Or perhaps a piece of cake?’, he asked suddenly. ‘You sure look like you need some cake.’

We had cake. We spoke. I told him everything.

And with every word my shadow was gluing itself to the ground inch by inch, until it disappeared. There was no sun in the coffee shop, of course.