I'm... codepressed?

I love her, I really do. But our relationship is getting out of control, towards a painful ending, whichever it might be.

I've done my share of painful things, she did her share and I always thought we could just move on, you know? But things keep coming back, I'm quick to forgive, alas, she is not. Each argument we have has a chance to have old grudges to pop up again. And though they have been resolved, time and again they reappear unresolved again, we have to dig through those again. And each argument we have just adds fuel to all future arguments.

She has depression and I'm starting to suspect I'm depressed too. Used to be a popular kid, not really mature for man my age, but popular and happy. Nowadays, I don't go out, I don't see my friends, I spend no time with just my self, my life has been reduced to supporting my partner through her anxiety and depression. I fear I have developed a co-depression. Nothing feels really fun anymore and whenever I find an hour for my self, I can't spend it without feeling immense guilt. She is home, hurting, and yet I'm here, having fun.

How can one live like this? People say depressed person's bouts of anger are not about their partners, family, friends, yet they're always about me, always I am called names, every stupid or bad thing I've done pops up.

I wish I could leave her. But I love her so much. Sometimes, I wish I could un-love her and just leave her. But what if she couldn't go on on her own? I've heard her talk about suicide. How do you cope with knowing that after you break up with somebody you love, they kill themselves?

Why do I think about killing myself recently, more and more often? Because it's the only way out where I won't have to live with guilt?

I just don't know how to... live. I just exist.

Here, it's off my chest, finally. I hope it'll help.