Tired of shitty labs and running from them.

Posted this on r/depression as well, but maybe I'll get some answers in here too. Any help would be appreciated.

Not sure if anyone would like to read my whole story and such a long post, but I will give it a try anyway. I will tell you about last three-four years of my life. Be advised, this text is fucking long because apparently, I can't describe anything shortly...

Once I finished high school I decided to move away from Poland for studying abroad - moved to Denmark, where my brother already lived. I decided to pursue Chemical and Biotechnical Science degree because I thought it would be the best to actually start lab classes from the beginning, that's what I always wanted to do. It was a tough call because a couple of people from my hometown I made lifetime-friendships with, but I still was certain that this was the best way. I studied analytical and general chemistry, biology, microbiology, statistics, molecular biology etc. for 1,5 years, from August 2014 until January 2016. It was all great. I've had classes from Monday to Friday, most of the times from 7 am to 3 pm. I managed to earn some cash and make my living by working part-time in a warehouse on afternoon Friday shifts and morning Sunday shifts. My brother helped me to get the job as well. I managed to save quite some money as for a 19 years old guy. Bought couple of things I always wanted to have - e-book reader, wireless mp3 player, a sweet gaming-PC.

During those 18 months I met a girl, let's call her K. We were friends for some time and then we eventually got together. Here I have to say that I've had some bad experiences with girls already, none of my relationships lasted more than 6 months and that's because I was turned away - two times because a girl has found another guy. K wasn't very emotionally stable, but I believed it might be something real, and got involved for the third time as well. Tl;dr - she left me as well because she has found another guy and despite what she said, she didn't care about me anymore.

That has hurt me as well, but not too much. The saddest part is that at that time I was certain we're going both to the same country (outside of Denmark) for the internship and that's what I focused on (after 1,5 years on Academy we were supposed to find a facility for us to conduct the last 12 months project, on which we graduate). I didn't have much time left and the teachers and student counselor couldn't help me much, even though I was one of the best students in the class and I knew they could at least push some networking. I was pissed, and also at that time I didn't know it would be better to find the internship a little bit later, but a better one. I rushed it. Started one in February 2016.

I've found a place in Germany and started an internship in there. It was basically a village situated next to the Institute. I was alone and I lived alone. I remember that once my parents helped me to move my shit and came back home, I was crying. I would say that was the first moment that I felt my huge efforts to fulfill my biggest ambitions don't mean a thing. The place in Germany was 4/10 I would say. I've been told different things at the interview, did mostly chemical analysis (I was always more a molecular biology person), and didn't have many tasks to do, mostly planning everything myself. It wouldn't be bad if it wasn't a completely new project for me to try and in conclusion I would spend only 3h a day in the lab, and every time I asked my PI what else could I do, he was like "oh yeah you can try this and that blah blah blah" - no specific things whatsoever. I was pissed and unhappy again. I could make my living with an intern salary at least.

In March 2016, I met a Polish girl online. We were talking a lot and understood each other instantly, and she made me a happy person again. I am sure she is the one who made me feel like there is still a point of keeping myself motivated, pushing the things I want and working hard for it. We're together from April 2016 until today (got together already after the second date). I love her with my whole heart and I know that she loves me too. It's a relationship worth living for. I managed to work in Germany until June 2016, then I decided it doesn't make sense and I have to run away from this shithole. Tried to ask my teachers for help to find another place as well, but motherfuckers didn't give a damn for the second time. I managed to find a place in the capital of Austria by myself.

I took a short vacation between 10th of June and 10th of July in Poland and started in Vienna. I had many hopes for it because it was a molecular bio lab, working with genetics, PCRs, stuff I always wanted to do. The lab and the work itself were okay I would say 7/10, but overall stay in there was tiring for me too. I remember that I cried the first time I found out the student dorm in there sucks and I'll have to move again. I cried also when I had to spend my birthday in July all by myself. In the period from July 2016 to February 2017, I lived in three different flats in Vienna. From October I had also to find another job because the lab in Vienna barely could cover my food expenses, not mentioning the flat etc. Most of my spared cash flew away for moving between Germany and Austria and for my short vacation. I've worked a single weekend as a kitchen helper but even they were happy with me as hell, I had to resign because I've found a job in a second lab.

From October 2016 until the end of January 2017 my life basically looked like that: 7am-3pm work at internship-lab, then 6pm-9pm work at the second lab. I've mostly done plate seeding for C.elegans and simple stuff like that. They liked my help anyway, and when there were awful things to do like cleaning a centrifuge etc. I never refused, because when I work somewhere and I see a point in this I dedicate myself 100%. In the evenings I talked with my GF via skype, lurked online a bit and then sleep and repeat. Weekends were the only days off during which I mostly slept and sometimes cried because of being lonely again. Every second weekend I traveled to Poland, to my GF, to spend some time with her. Going back to the bus to Vienna, straight from her room, was the most awful feeling I've ever felt in my life.

There were a lot of ups and downs, but I finished my molecular biology project - it wasn't completed 100%, but I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to be done with the fucking Academy. I said goodbye to the people from first and the second lab, I got the highest grade in Denmark and graduated. At that time I wanted to start studying in Poland again, even if it would take some more time to finish up to my Bachelor because I wanted to change my long-distance relationship to a regular one. My mom wouldn't understand it at all and would always say that I'm doing the worst thing for my career possible. She couldn't get that I've got serious mental issues and I need to take a break because otherwise, something bad is going to happen, if it didn't already. Eventually, I stopped giving a shit to what she says because she would only realize I am depressed once my half-rotten body would be fished out from a river. That's how deep her denial is.

Anyway, from February 2017 until June 2017 I've been looking for a job in Poland, because I decided to work in a lab and study part-time on top of that. I wasted moving for one weekend to Warsaw, then I saw the boss was bullshitting me from the start because once I got to the lab no one was working in there and PI resigned couple days before. He basically wanted me to revive a dead (due to his mobbing) lab with a Ph.D. that was specialized in completely different area. Came back home and started looking further, then I started to work at a company producing dietary supplements. They desired qualifications out of this world and the work wasn't related to the lab at all. I got a positive response from a Medical University so I quit the supplements company after two weeks.

From July 2017 (didn't have time to take care of my birthday again...), until now, I work at a Medical University. I live with my girlfriend, we found a 6/10 flat, cheap one, but it's quite far to commute for me with a bus and the landlady doesn't give a shit about some of the broken devices or a big mess overall - we didn't realize it until we actually started to clean the place. Current work is not the worst but again, I see a dead lab and not much, if any analysis is going on in there. For the last two months, I've maybe spent one week in the lab. Except that I do bullshit tasks like completing offers for the pipettes, even though basically no one is working on there, taking care of the instruments no one is using etc. I've been reading papers for my future "tests", but the PI doesn't seem to bother about the library I collected and he again moves on to some irrelevant bullshit. It bothers me because I can do so many tasks inside of the lab and at least 15 instruments no one is using, but I am busy with secretary job. I think I should move to somewhere else and look up offers, because I want to finish my study in here AND work, and once I get a degree move abroad again, but with my GF this time.

Congratulations, you read the whole thing. Either you are really bored or I am a good writer with a good story. Probably the first one.

tl;dr I am exhausted of no results of my work and I haven't been happy longer than a week for 3 last years of my life

I would like to ask you guys - is my mental health really bad and should I see a therapist? I've been consulting one once and he said that he thinks I really am suffering, but I denied it to myself because I either have different moods each day or simply don't have any cash for psychotherapy. Sometimes I think of suicide but not as I would really do it, because I love my SO and I know I want to fight for a better life, instead of giving up. I also feel like I haven't had a proper rest, even during the times I haven't had a job. I constantly think either how to make my living better right now or if there is something wrong with me, because I am often unhappy even when good things happen to me. I constantly run away from shit jobs because I still believe that I will eventually end up in a proper lab, where there is no one but biology-loving scientists who are excited about research.

Anything you would advise me to do? I could really use an advice from someone who experienced tough career turns as I did and worked it out somehow. Or am I just a whiny bitch that doesn't know what to do?