We just made the final decision to get divorced. I'm so beyond crushed. Any advice or happy thoughts?
Posted Sep 14, 2017, 5:05 AM UTC
3845
Yes, as a guy who got divorced a few years ago after a 20 year marriage, I have some thoughts. My wife and I left the church together, although I stayed in formally for some time without attending.
-
The crushed feeling won't last forever, but it's perfectly fine to feel bad feelings now. In fact, it's perfectly fine to feel anything. Feelings are not good or bad, they just are.
-
Don't make other huge life changes quickly (like, for example, decide you have to get married again or something). Your mind will not be in a stable place for a while, even if it feels that way.
-
Following 2, get thee to a therapist/counselor. Talking with someone who I pay to give advice and keep my problems to themselves has been a godsend, and I am definitely a better person today than I was, and I feel better, too.
-
Don't wallow, at least not for too long. Maybe a new hobby, or a new community group. Volunteer for something. I went to meetup.com and found a couple of groups I liked, so now I go eat pizza and play board/card games twice a month, among other things.
-
Keep in touch with your kids (I don't know your situation). Be there for them, be accessible, listen. Never let them hear you bad-mouth your ex — don't put them in the middle of any fights. They might want to complain to you about how they are treated at the other house. Don't give in. Do have some fun with them. Still be a parent.
I didn't want to get divorced. We went through 9 months of couples counseling, but it didn't end up helping. It turns out after a couple-three-or-more years that it's really not so bad for me now. I don't have a woman in my life right now, but I have many friends, more than an introvert like me had as a mormon, and they're real. I can play around with life a bit now, too — try new things to see if I like them.
That's already more than I started off thinking I'd say, and I could say more, but the main thing is this: it will feel bad and you will feel lost. Hell, what I missed most was calling to say I was on my way home after work every day! But things will get better, you will adjust, and it's a good idea to looking into having a therapist/counselor/whatever help you adjust.
Feel free to PM me if you want me to ramble on more. :)
14
Thanks for your advice. I might get a motorcycle. Or maybe a Paraglider. After I dig out of this dept.
4
Wear a helmet!
4
I bought too much stuff (I'm single with 3 crock pots, which is crazy) and a Xootr scooter which I am trying to learn to ride. :)
4
I might get a motorcycle.
We need to start an ex-mo riding group! Sunday rides will abound
3
I might get a motorcycle.
We need to start an ex-mo riding group! Sunday rides will abound
3
Wear a helmet!
3
Divorce fucking SUCKS. Its hard learning how to be happy and be on your own. However, there is an opprotunity to find a whole new life that can make you happier than you were before.
The only permanent thing about life is that things will always change. Don't bottle up your feelings and deal with them later, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Eventually things will change, and you'll be ready to move on in life and find new happiness.
if you ever need to vent or talk, this community will always be a good place to do that.
9
It's like the most important thing was my marriage and I gave it my all but it just wasn't enough. Instead of making her happy I made her depressed. I feel like such a failure.
3
It wasn't your job to make her happy. It's her job to make herself happy. Please stop the unhealthy self-talk and be proud of yourself for giving it your all. She needs to take accountability for her own happiness just as you do, whether married or single. You also can choose to remain her supportive friend for life, even if she doesn't want to be yours. Find peace with yourself and choose to continue to treat her with respect and compassion, regardless of whether or not she accepts it or respects you back. Control what you can (your thought and behavior patterns) and refuse to stew about what you can't (hers). And btw I am very sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone. And the pain doesn't last forever. Things really can and do get better in time.
6
While difficult, I think this will be a good opportunity to start anew for both of you. It'll be an opportunity for both of you to find happiness in the end. I would strongly recommend focusing on your job, exercising, or a hobby that you can funnel your negative energy into for a while.
3
You're not a failure, i promise
3
Sorry it had to come to that. If it a mutual decision, sounds like you both will be moving to a better place. You are not alone here.
8
It's mutual. But damn does it hurt. So many emotions. We lasted 18 years. We left the cult together and it seemed like we could take on the world.
18
I assumed one in and one out. I kind of figured once we were both out, everything would be better. I guess life and trials don't stop post church. I can't see that far.
5
Yah we got married to young. Her 19 me 23. She told me recently that she didn't want to get married but felt a lot of pressure from everyone. We get along pretty good and we both hate conflicts. So we just kept making it work. But there was almost no sex.
11
Stay healthy. Friend just went through it lost a ton of weight, very unhealthy. A few months later a good blind date brought things back into balance a bit.
8
Sounds like a divorce is a wise decision, but doesn't lessen the emotional pain - best wishes!
3
I was suicidal after my divorce. But time helps heal. We both focused on the kids, and we all made it through. So sorry
8
My exhusband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 21. We got divorced nine years later because he just wasn't happy anymore. It was devastating to me so I feel all of your pain. You'll probably need to spend a while in the grief stage - you've earned the right to feel the pain.
But once you're ready to move on, here's some things that helped me. First, just because a relationship is over, doesn't mean it was bad or wrong. I found it liberating to be able to still celebrate my marriage and my ex. Although the relationship was ultimately not salvageable, it became liberating to be able to celebrate the good while acknowledging the bad. We had fun times! He was a great guy! All of these things can be simultaneously true along side knowing that the relationship was unhealthy and could no longer survive.
Another thing that helped was exploring new things on my own. It's hard to go from being in a couple to being single, but there is a freedom you can enjoy (without being too cliche!). I loved being a couple with my ex and we did some fun stuff together, but he was pretty passionate about a few hobbies and we rarely did anything outside of that. I could write a huge list of things I have done since our divorce that I would've never done while married to him (got scuba certified, hiked Machu Picchu, moved to a different country, etc.) Start keeping a list. Make that list longer. You are a unique and wonderful person on your own!
7
That sucks, I'm sorry.
Happy thoughts: the world is the safest it's been in recorded history. Quality of life is the highest it's been in recorded history. We have cures/treatments for many illnesses that were considered fatal a short time ago and have practically eradicated many. We're moving toward a better world.
5
Thanks, true that.
3
Of course.
2
I am so sorry about you feeling so crushed. If you are in Utah I can offer to chat and listen. If you are not in Utah and need to vent digitally, happy to help.
I am sorry you feel so terrible and I don't deny how horrible it is. But you will go on and get better and find a new life. It really be OK.
5
Thanks friend, I appreciate that.
2
Love is broken here. So sorry.
4
Commiserations, internet friend.
After I left my ex I made working out every day a part of my routine and that helped a lot. Yoga, jogging, swimming, weight lifting, and hiking. Find something you enjoy doing to stay active. It has the added benefit of making your sex life better too. Good luck!
4
That's what I've decided to do too.
2
That's what I've decided to do too.
2
So very sorry. That has to be such a terrible loss. :(
3
Just reading your replies, it sounds not-totally-mutual. I got divorced too, but it was not my choice. She decided she wanted to just hit the reset button on her life. Instead of making her happy, I made her depressed, like you said. I made mistakes, but it wasn't anything that wasn't totally standard fare for any relationship. Why isn't the relationship salvageable? When did you guys leave the cult? I'm always surprised when I see 15+ year relationships ending.
3
Wow you do seem like me. We have been seeing a counselor for Like 3 years or maybe 4 actually. Lots of effort to change on my part but I feel like she resents me because the church stole her life. Like she maybe can't separate me from the church. Even though I'm the one that opened the door to freedom. It's super wierd and I wish I could fully understand her.
3
I was also the one that initiated the TSCC-exodus, but I had a harder time fully letting go. I was super uncomfortable with her drinking alcohol and coffee at first. It was all such a shock to my system. Not entirely sure what I could have or should have done differently looking back.
There's a danger to leaving TSCC for married couples. It's the same danger when marrying young (<25 or so). It's that you're not really fully formed adults yet, and the years of 21-24 or so are HUGE for development. The end result is the same. You get married and then a few years later, you're both completely different people.
Is there anything short of open marriage (seriously, no judge, but I just ain't into that sorta thing) that you can do to let her feel more "free"?
5
Well we tried that too. She was supposed to have her needs met out there but not fall in love. Well she kind of went feral. It was her chance to escape and she took every opportunity to do that. Until recently that is. So I hoped we were going to get back on track. But she is still unhappy. I'm so worried for her. I worry that she will never find happiness. I hope she does but I'm not sure.
5
OMG we tried that too as a last gasp. Made it out of the church together, now divorcing. Filed paperwork on our fifth anniversary. It fucking sucks.
4
That is hard my friend :(
The romantic in me always wants to fix and save, but sometimes it's time to cut your losses and move on. Sounds like you guys have given it a pretty fair shake
3
Highly recommend the book "the subtle art of not giving a f*ck."
3
I'm so sorry. I hope things get better for you soon.
Nothing but the best for you!
3
I have been here and it sucks and I am so sorry you are hurting right now. Take it one day at a time and embrace the good and bad feelings you have so you deal with them and they don't get hidden and come out years later when you thought it was all behind you.
Remember everything passes, it will get better, you can and are doing this and closing chapters create amazing new beginnings.
Thinking of you and sending hugs.
3
Give it, and yourself, time to heal. It's been 4 years since my divorce (married 12 years) and I still have good days and bad days. Be strong. Love your kids. Take it a day at a time. There is great advice on here.
2
Divorce fucking sucks, but it fucking rocks! It takes times. You have done all you can for your wife and that is admirable, but it is now time to take care of you.
There will be dark times and there will be very happy times. Do not rush into a new relationship, you will need to learn how to be alone. Dine out alone. Go to the movies alone. Half your personality was your wife, now you get to fill in that other half by yourself, it takes some learning and you will grow from this experience.
You will get through this.
2
Logicly I agree but my tank is so empty I'm afraid I will be all to eager to jump into a relationship.
1
Logicly I agree but my tank is so empty I'm afraid I will be all to eager to jump into a relationship.
1
Divorce fucking sucks, but it fucking rocks! It takes times. You have done all you can for your wife and that is admirable, but it is now time to take care of you.
There will be dark times and there will be very happy times. Do not rush into a new relationship, you will need to learn how to be alone. Dine out alone. Go to the movies alone. Half your personality was your wife, now you get to fill in that other half by yourself, it takes some learning and you will grow from this experience.
You will get through this.
2
Logicly I agree but my tank is so empty I'm afraid I will be all to eager to jump into a relationship.
1
Logicly I agree but my tank is so empty I'm afraid I will be all to eager to jump into a relationship.
1
My wife left me for the cult and it knocked me on my arse for a couple of years really. Maybe more. 6 kids and 20 years and she loves the secret handshakes more than our family. Amazing. Really fucking hurts. It will never be okay or good or right.
But it is out of my control and we move on.
Things I did well/would do differently:
-
Go to counseling. It would have helped the process go faster.
-
Don't be generous. She lied and manipulated and I voluntarily gave her way more than a court would have. She is laughing all the way to the bank for 20 years. Get a good lawyer, pay them, it will be far cheaper than giving in.
-
Start read stoic philosophy a lot earlier. Start with "The Obstacle is the Way" and "A Guide to the Good Life" and read from the big three daily like it was scripture study (Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus). Control your perceptions because it is the only thing you can control.
-
Don't sleep with all the women/men who will want to sleep with you. Either they want a long term relationship and if you don't give it to them, you will hurt them or they are one-night-standers who will give you a toxic little friend and/or leave you feeling empty. Sex that doesn't leave your partners better off isn't good sex and sex outside of a committed relationship is very very rarely good sex. Don't go out and consume people on your lusts, to paraphrase the scripture.
-
Don't pick up addictions. Don't become a drunk/addict. Live well. Cook more. Excercise more. Travel more. Do all three with your kids, if you have them. I have prioritized my kids and don't regret it a bit. Gave up tickets to Red Butte tonight to be with my youngest--we are going to repair some wind-damaged shingles on the roof. Priceless time together. Your kids will be raised and gone in an instant and you will have all the time alone to do all the things shortly enough. If you want to spend time with your young children, you have to do it when they are young.
-
Find a good chart of logical fallacies and put it on your fridge (there are good ones online). Pay your kids $5 if they catch you in a logical fallacy and $1 if they catch their siblings. Pick one to discuss over dinner. Teach your kids logical reasoning and they will walk themselves out of the Church without your having to mention it a single time. Not that it hurts to be factually prepared to talk about a few of the big issues--but you won't have to. They will see you living well and they will see the absurd logic behind all the orthodox narratives, and they will leave without any direct effort at all.
-
Also unpack metaphors. Every time you hear a metaphor on the radio or in a movie or talk or wherever, discuss with your kids what it really means--what the point of the metaphor is. Help them understand that metaphors can enlighten in unique and powerful ways--but often are just deepities/bullshit thrown up to obscure the reality that there is no there there, that the writer/speaker is just throwing feel-good phrases without substance against the wall to see what will stick. They will apply this skill to General Conference talks and walk away shaking their heads. Again--you don't need to do it in the Mormon context, just teach the skill and they will apply it to Mormonism on their own.
Good luck. It is a long hard road. It sucks. It will be your spouses loss. Truly living well is the best revenge.
2
Thanks for so much advice. We are all out of the church. I teach my kids critical thinking skills. We were thinking of going to mediation. We don't have a lot of assets anymore.
1
Thanks for so much advice. We are all out of the church. I teach my kids critical thinking skills. We were thinking of going to mediation. We don't have a lot of assets anymore.
1
"Now I knew a guy, he was real funky, that is until one day when she got lucky. Now you see a smiling woman and a frowning man, she's got a ring in his nose and a ring on her hand." Savoy Brown I hope this helps. Been there twice buddy. Time is on your side.
2
Very sorry OP