I'm coming to realize my ex is helpful only bc it manipulates me. Is this planned? Do I untangle or enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship with him?
I'm just really not into it if he's faking.
Posted Sep 20, 2017, 5:30 AM UTC
That's how all relationships are, at their base. If it's mutually beneficial, it's the best you can hope for.
Thanks. I don't know and it helps to have opinions.
K but some of us want relationships based on love and affection. So it's not really true that they're all based on mutual benefits. Some of us simply love you guys. And it sucks that it's not reciprocated.
some of us want relationships based on love and affection
Well yeah, who doesn't? But those emotions are rooted in appearances and behaviors. I don't personally believe in the idea of "unconditional love", I don't think it's realistic.
I sort of agree. But most parents have unconditional love for their children. Even parents of people who have committed heinous acts still love them.
That's a good point, we are incredibly tribal as a species.
Nobody said it had to be unconditional, it just has to be love.
Right, so what's your idea of love?
Doesn't matter if he does or not. It will he short lived and end when he's bored or find something better. Don't waste your time.
Been four years with no signs of stopping.
You wont see the signs. Get out.. Or stay it's your life.
Would you want to be with him if you didn't love him?
If no, then you're with him to satisfy your own feelings. Mutual benefit.
No bitchiness intended, but why would I want to be with him if I didn't love him?
The problem is that I love him and think he's with me for the benefits, and that sucks.
Of course you wouldn't want to be with him if you didn't love him.
I'm saying that that's how all relationships work, they're for mutual benefit. Love isn't some amazing universal force. It doesn't "conquer all," as the cliché goes. It's just a part of your mind telling you that someone is good for you (good for your genes, more specifically). That part of humanity's biological programming is missing from him, so he needs a more rational basis to be with you. I wouldn't call that "faking" anymore than what you're doing.
I have a question. When you will end relationship with your ex, will you promote him to the title of exx?
The username is kind of comical. But you do know that sociopaths are capable of regret, right?
The username is kind of comical.
u/noempathy was taken. I know it's comical, but I have no regrets.
Fair enough lol
You're sad.
Yeah, for the moment I thought that your username was u/Girlforgreeks, but then I spotted my mistake and now I'm sad.
I'm sad
Here's a picture/gif of a cat, hopefully it'll cheer you up :).
I am a bot. use !unsubscribetosadcat for me to ignore you.
How the fuck did this thing get in here
Good bot
You believe you've made a funny argument. Really you're just a sad person whom people feel sorry for.
E: and you'll definitely have an answer but I don't care and won't read it.
E: and you'll definitely have an answer but I don't care and won't read it.
I'm pretty sure you are reading this. It makes you a liar.
This has been the driving force between many of my break ups. Girl loves me so I treat her as an almost equal, I spend time with her, I ask for a lot of money, she starts to think I'm just using her, I explain that for me there is nothing else, that answer is unacceptable to her feelings which sucks because I'm being honest(not common) and it's just like a big fuck you to the face but I'm the asshole somehow. And then this cycle of extreme love/hate will continue anywhere from a month to 3 years before one of us is fed up completely. My advice to you, appreciate the fact of who he is and the effort he's making
Thank you. Great answer.
Also why are you not an asshole for asking a woman for money?
And that qualifies him as an asshole how.. haha.
Did I say that? Nope.
Oh, but you did. Oof
Have you ever asked a man for money?
Of course, bc he owed it to me.
Do we just ignore the fact that a man asking a woman for "a lot of money" isn't socially acceptable, and an indication that the man can't supply for his own needs?
You don't have to like it. But it is a societal norm.
Boohoo I like money and if you got a problem fuck off and die. I can and often do provide for myself but that usually involves violence or thievery. And these women owed it to me. You see they were purchasing the boyfriend experience and that's costly when you're as good looking and amazing as I am.
It he's only helpful in order to manipulate you that should be a sign to leave the relationship unless you believe you can actually help this human being. (Chances are you can't help help this type of person). It seems like you are a pawn in his game of life and the only way to get ahead is to outsmart him (which would most likely be extremely difficult from what details you've given) or to cut yourself out completely (which is the more likely scenario)
He is never going to be able to give you the love and affection that you desire, my advice is to cut ties with this person and look for a SO who is more capable of providing the necessary traits that you desire.
I believe you're correct, thank you.
Listen, you haven't provided enough background for any of us to actually make a judgement call; and even if you had, why should I make this decision for you? Think for yourself.
You believe he's faking? Confront your reasons for thinking so, weigh them, then either continue the relationship or end it. Really, it's that simple.
In the future, if you'd like a more in depth, pointlessly noise filled response, try r/relationships. They WILL validate you. (Oh, and thanks for the karma)
If you don't have enough info, dont answer.
Admit it, you only responded so you could put someone else down.
And you think that makes you look cool.
You must be dense. Yes, of course I'd like to put you down. Does that bother you? This is a stupid thread. You're begging for it at this point.
I'm dense for what reason? Feeling emotion? Admitting it? Or asking for the perspective of people who think like the person I love? Exactly which of those things is "dense?"
It seems like trying to understand something I don't experience is smart, but your need to feel superior means you behave in a mocking manner.
Making your points worthless .
They have a point, and responding emotionally is pointless. If you're dating a sociopath and want him to feel for you the way you feel for him, you're being irrational. You need to figure out why you want what you can't have, and no other advice can really be given with what info you've provided. But, going on a hunch by your responses, you need some help with your self-esteem and confidence.
I don't disagree, but there's nothing shameful about wanting a person who you love to love you back.
I'm a little confused why so many of you feel like that is a weakness, but hey, I'm not a sociopath.
And I get that y'all will never understand, im.just confused why you like it in yourselves.
I'm not saying it's shameful, or a weakness, but expecting a sociopath to love you the way you love them is just as absurd as expecting a paraplegic to walk. I'm not a sociopath, but allowing someone to hurt you and use you is a weakness.
(I think I look pretty cool right now, how am I doing?)
You kind of amused me, so well?
Nobody cares, so null?
Why are you so obsessed with me? Are you a borderline?
Disclaimer: not a sociopath.
Depends on what you mean by "faking it". Faking love for you? Do you mean that you think he feels nothing for you at all, or just that he doesn't feel the same way you do?
If he felt that you weren't worthy of his effort and time, he wouldn't bother investing it. What his end goal is, obviously, I don't know.
Maybe he simply enjoys his time with you, and expresses this by being helpful so that you'll enjoy your time with him as well. Or maybe he finds you more worthy than other people of his time, and he expresses that by being helpful to you (presumably more than he is to other people).
Do you want to know what we socios think about you? Instead of what we think about your boyfriend?
Not even a little bit. Couldn't give a shit less about what an admittedly mentally ill internet stranger thinks of a few comments I made on one topic.
You're just pissed bc I put a few of you (maybe even you, but I don't care enough to look) in your place when all I did was ask a genuine question and sincerely consider the non-"I'm just trying to look cool by being an asshole" answers.
Can you list some examples of the "helpful" things?
(Also, disclaimer, not a soci)
It's more than helpful. It's literally anything that I ask for.
Last night, after he worked all day, I called him and asked him to bring me a pizza. No question, he was here in 30 minutes- but I did pay for the pizza and hand him $10 bc I would've paid a delivery guy if I didn't live in Bumfuck.
But he also asked for more money at the time... so it's just all very reciprocal.
When I had to leave town for 2 weeks for grad school, he took care of my pets, including one that had two kittens. He had to search for the mother bc she was in distress, he rushed them all to the vet in the middle of his workday. (It didn't end well but he tried).
He's there's for me The minute I need him. It's just that he's not afraid to take either...
Sounds like he is just making emotional bank deposits to withdraw at a later time, in my opinion. Remember when I did xyz for you? That's why you have to do this thing for me right now that you don't really want to do. Also, a bit of entitlement. I did this thing for you so now I am entitled to take whatever from you in whatever form I want it.
That sounds exactly right! Damn, you nailed it.
Of course that blows then, lol.
That sounds
exactly right! Damn, you nailed it. Of
course that blows then, lol.
^^^-english_haiku_bot
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I want him to genuinely feel like I I genuinely feel.
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Yes, lots. It's why I'm asking, pretty much.
Bc he can't feel it and that sucks.
Because I'm a normal woman?
Not to be bitchy to you, but yeah. Bc average human women desire genuine emotion in their man.
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At least he's trying.
There's two types:
1.) Those who are helpful and loving, and don't feel anything - it's just beneficial to be helpful in the same way a person who doesn't like his job does the work anyway.
or
2.) Those who are helpful and loving, and feels deep emotions that would be very hard to remove - in the same way you feel genuine love for him. No shallow and fleeting emotions like a sociopath.
Decide what you'd rather have.
May I ask, are you suggesting that #2 can be a SP?
Because he's the most caring SP I've ever met.
But he doesn't hesitate to lie if it benefits him.
No, the #2 is not a sociopath. #2 is a neuro-typical.
You have to remember that sociopathy is a brain structure. It is a way he processes thoughts/emotions/perspectives/life. You operate under a different 'software' than he does. And he will never operate under the software that neurotypicals operate in.
He will never feel genuine emotions for you, genuine deep feelings for you. And what you will find in the sociopath Reddit community is that people will tell you that there is no such thing as 'real love', and that everyone 'fakes' their emotions, acts accordingly, only when it's mutual. They'll tell you that what he is doing is no different than what anyone else does. That isn't true. While people DO have to have mutual feelings for each other, the emotions they feel are far much more stronger, and carry much more depth than a sociopath's brain could ever process. They (sociopaths/sociopaths on Reddit) don't know what these emotions of love feel for a human being because their software cannot produce these feelings for another.
You know that feeling of indescribable joy and appreciation, where you feel so excited, your heart starts to beat faster and you feel like nothing can tear you down because you're so happy and grateful to have your significant other? He will never, and has never felt that for you. Those fantasies and feelings of euphoria you create in your mind, feelings of 'I can't believe you're in my life. I absolutely love you' : he doesn't have those feelings. He just knows what he has to do to keep you because you serve a purpose.
Most people are in relationships because they want to find their other half, a best friend beyond just the bedsheets. The sociopaths in Reddit cannot process or are even aware this type of extreme appreciation and love exists. They know how to act in a relationship and will the job. But as soon as you become a nuisance, they will drop you like a rock. That isn't love. They can't process love, but they 'think' they know it/can do so/believe it doesn't even exist.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/30ppj2/happily_married_people_of_reddit_when_did_you/cpv5lkr/ (Check out this link - read the main comment)
If you want to stay with a sociopath, you have to accept that he will never love you, but that he will act accordingly (sweet, loving, and put in effort) as long as you don't change. Will he want you when you are older and look not so great? Will he cheat if he has the opportunity and you'd never find out? Probably. He cannot compute beyond, what she doesn't know, won't hurt her. The sociopath can be addictive, they can be extremely fun because they DO operate under a different software that is not the same as neurotypicals. And it may seem like, "There will be no one else like him", and that could be true, but the feeling of someone loving you back is SO much more worthwhile than how fun and amazing he is. Because the neurotypical will also think you're amazing. That man in the link describes that 'amazing' feeling. And that's just one 'thought' of one man. There's a million combination of extreme appreciation that sociopaths cannot feel for you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1bu79s/married_men_of_reddit_at_what_point_did_you_know/c9a6bav/ (Check out this link - read the main comment)
A sociopath for example, would never feel what that man felt for his wife when she needed him to rely on him, and it would put terrible burden on him. Most sociopaths would just leave right at the door. Sociopaths can talk the big talk, but ultimately, they are very selfish. You might get lucky and find one who would stay despite all the trouble she's giving him, but those feelings neurotypicals feel - it's never going to be there. He will never, ever love you.
If actions is enough for you, and you don't need him to experience those fantasies, feelings of extreme appreciation, and feeling like he's the luckiest man on earth - then stick around. He may be awesome, fun and helpful (and that might be enough), but be careful not to project your own feelings and appreciation as if he feels them too. He doesn't.
Holy shit.
You should write books (along with the guy in the 2nd link, jic you didn't notice, it was his top comment).
I cannot express how much I appreciate you taking the time to write that, and explain it so eloquently.
I'm so projecting my feelings onto him. This was the answer I needed.
Thank you.
I mis-linked one of the links I pasted. I fixed it, but glad you feel more relief now.
You asked if he faking. Yes. He. Is. Faking.
All sociopaths fake emotion/love for another. None of his kind words, or sweet words are actually felt. And no, not 'all humans fake emotions'. Humans can love and bend backwards for people who serve them NO benefits. Simply because they love them.
Hes "faking" all of it, all the time. He has no real emotion to show you. You should be happy he thinks you're worth the effort. Being helpful and loving is the highest expression of love he can do.
That is extremely powerful. Thanks.