The Degenerate Vs The Novice Chronicles - Week 5

This is a post chronicling me vs my big brother Brandon in a pick 'em pool against the spread in the NFL. I watch too much football, and he watches 1 game a year, and its for the buffet at our Super Bowl party. He is actually making it a point to watch zero games this season to make this post even more authentic. He's off to a good start so lets hope I can gain more ground this week.

Week 4 Review: It's weird season. There are teams that are making it hard to predict whats going to happen. New England's defense makes it hard to pick them, Miami can't get any points, QB's are going down, Seattle is completely bipolar, Dallas might not actually be good, and The Rams keeps putting up ridiculous numbers. Let's hope things start to even out and make things a little easier on those that actually pay attention to the sport.

YTD: Brandon 29-30 Gary 28-31

Bills +3@ Bengals

Brandon - Bengals: The Buffalo "Bill Nyes" are about 70 Kgs, and because of that they will not be able to out run the much more athletic and speedy Bengal tigers. Survival of the fittest you might say.

Gary - Bills: Can anyone explain to me why Cincinnati is favoured? They've been awful. Not only that, but Buffalo is 3-1 and 4-0 against the spread. This was an easy one for me.

Jets +1.5@ Browns

Brandon - Jets Whenever he thinks of The Browns, he thinks of poop. Which, he's not wrong. This Browns team is awful. So he says, the New York "Water Jets" are going to flush Cleveland down the toilet.

Gary - Browns: Josh Mcgown has never won 3 games. NEVER. In fact this is the second time he's ever won 2 games, the first being 13 years ago. Yes, this man is still a NFL quarter back. Otherwise this is coin flip.

Panthers +3@ Lions

Brandon - Panthers: If you know anything about jungle cats, the panther is a very proficient tree climber, and lions aren't actually jungle cats. And if Star Wars has taught us anything, it's that if you have the higher ground you don't need to be better, the height is a big enough advantage.

Gary - Lions: Pretty even teams in my books. Detroit is a little better on D, Carolina is a little better on offense. I'm gonna say Detroit simply because they are at home.

49ers +1@ Colts

Brandon - 49ers: He had some issues with this one. He's not a fan of either team. Take that for what it is as he knows nothing about either team. In the end he landed on San Francisco because 49ers comes first alphabetically.

Gary - Colts: This is battle of mediocre QBs. I'll take a guy who learned from Tom Brady and Bellichick over a guy that couldn't make The Browns.

Titans -1@ Dolphins

Brandon - Titans: "The Titans are going to make tuna out of The Dolphins, and can them." I'm not certain he knows that tuna is, in fact, a real fish. Or the fact that dolphins themselves are not fish, but are actually mammals. But today is not a marine biology class, it's football.

Gary - Titans: Miami hasn't scored a point since week 2. That's an incredible feat. That being said, Tennessee hasn't impressed me either. Regardless, I'm not taking Miami until they score another point.

Chargers +3@ Giants

Brandon - Chargers: I showed him Boltman. He seems to be a fan. Even made the comparison to a Mega Man boss, which I love. I could see Mega Man taking on Boltman in an epic battle. Giants are also tall like trees, and as we all know, trees attract lightening. And what happens what happens when lightening strikes a tall tree? I'll let you google that, but the tree doesn't favour well. Unless you consider the baseball bat that Robert Redford made in The Natural favouring well, which obviously I do. I digress. He picks the Chargers.

Gary - Chargers: 0-4 vs 0-4. It came down to QBs for me in this one. I'll take Big Daddy Phil Rivers being given 3 points all day over the worst QB of all time to ever win 2 Super Bowls.

Jaguars +8.5@ Steelers

Brandon - Steelers: The Steelers will make cages out of their steel beams and put the jaguars in them like little zoo animals for people to observe and throw ham steaks at. I'm not kidding, that's what he said.

Gary - Jaguars: I don't know why I continue picking Jacksonville, I just do. Maybe Blake Bortles is so lovable, I just can't pick against him. They've shown me nothing to suggest they can stop Pittsburgh for even one drive. But what the hell.

Cardinals +6.5@ **Eagles

Brandon - Eagles: "The birds of prey VS The birds of seed!" Boy he seemed excited. He picks The Eagles simply because they are, like WWE superstar Randy Orton, an "Apex Predator."

Gary - Cardinals: I take back everything I said about Palmer. he's putting up some major yardage this year. I'm not saying they'll win, but thy'll definitely cover.

Ravens +1@ Raiders

Brandon - Ravens: Raiders attack mainly by surprise, and the raven, a tree dweller, is very good at putting themselves where it would be difficult to surprise them. It's amazing how ridiculous he gets sometimes, and still make sense in the game. Without Carr, Oakland will surprise nobody

Gary - Ravens: I saw what Oakland can do without Derek Carr, or should I say what they can't do.

Seahawks +2.5@ Rams

Brandon - Rams: Now remember, he does know a little about Seattle, them being our "home team" living on the south coast of western Canada. I'm certain he also thinks that a seahawk is a seagull. Plus, he's apparently seen rams climb mountain, which obviously entertains him

Gary - Rams: I think the Rams offense is real. I think Goff might be good. I think I'm super bad at picking against the spread and will most likely be wrong.

Packers +2@ Cowboys

*Brandon - Packers: He said "My Packers?" when I asked. I think he may officially have a favourite team. Shocking to say the least. Maybe now I can get him into football with some mild curiosity. I got so excited about this possibility, I missed him ranting about the movie Small Soldiers. Whatever, I'm sure it was hilarious. I'm just assuming he picks the Packers because he evidently loves them.

Gary - Packers: Rogers just woke up from his nap and Dallas' magic rookie pixie dust is wearing off. I think this will be a blowout.

Chiefs -1@ Texans

Brandon - Texans: Hold on. Brace yourselves. This isn't going to be racist, but I'm certain it'll involve race.... Wait, first thing he said was that the Chiefs are the "racist team." I guess I was wrong.... Obviously the Texans will cover, because The real Texans took the Native Americans land. Fun fact, the Canadians did the same to our indigenous people.

Gary - Chiefs: Undefeated in final score, undefeated against the spread. It's good to be a Chiefs fan.

Vikings -3@ Bears

Brandon - Vikings: "The Vikings are going to fuck those bears up and make coats out of their fur. Have you ever met a Viking that hasn't killed a bear? Have you ever seen a Viking? Have you ever seen a Bear?" This was his exact train of thought.

Gary - Bears: Lets see what Trubisky can do. I'm counting on him being better than Glennon. Not that its high praise to be called better than Glennon.

I'm really enjoying writing this, whether anyone is reading it or not. However, I would like to keep doing it and writing other pieces as well so if any of you have feedback, positive or negative let me know. If you so choose you can follow me on the twitter machine @TheGaryKozchuck. I'm also trying to figure out a way to put this in podcast form so if any of you would like something like that, then let me know so I can work more vigilantly on it. Thanks, and happy betting.