Life

Background:im 21 and live and work in hong kong,im english ,nepalese and burmese mixed,history of anxiety and suicidal tendencies,highly functioning alcoholic and pothead. It starts out when i turned 16,i spent the first half of the year in and out of correctional facilities then the second half in and out of court for violating probation ,all this for a few grams of weed.thats life in Hong Kong,the judge finally ended all probation due to my probation officer being too severe and i was a free kid. So im 17 at this point,got myself into a GED program since i lost about a year of school. Spent time working hard and having fun. Had a good circle of friends and a girlfriend things were going pretty good till my girlfriend gets kicked out of school for drugs and shipped to Germany by her parents,we decided to keep the relationship going. One day my dad comes up to me happy about how hes loosing weight but he says he feels tired alot and me and mom think nothing of it.a few months down the line .he goes in to hopital for the flu and they tell him he has stage 4 colon cancer thats spread thru his body,he started chemo immediately.The medical expenses ment we had to move houses to find one with cheaper rent,and also i stopped going to school so we could afford the treatment. A week after my 18th birthday my father passed away,i was in shock. i didnt say anything the whole day, i couldnt even express emotions till i got home from the hospital, locked my room door and just started screaming and breaking everything and then eventually crying in the mess ive made. a couple of weeks later on the day of the funeral i found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with a bunch of other dudes in germany ,needless to say,i dumped herthat was a shitty day. A friend of my dads offered me a job at a bar to help me get on my feet.i started the job but i also started drinking heavily.after a few months working this job my boss comes up to me and tells me my grandfather passed away during the earthquake in Nepal.i took a bottle of JD to the alleyway behind our bar and just drank and cried for hours. About half a year later im outside a bar,and this beautiful girl comes up to me grabs my face and says "you're perfect" it was love at first sight,i was reluctant about starting a relationship at the time because of being cheated on previously,but she was determined and after a month she started living with me,things were amazing for the first time in a while.Her name is Noel and she really did make everyday christmas for me. Picked out my cloathes for me she got me out of bed,made sure i was eating because she knows i neglect myself and was just always there for me.Eventually i got let off the bar job because my boss thought i was "going thru depression and needed some time off to rest" so for the next couple of months Noel was the sole bread winner , while i got drunk and didnt get out of bed. i got another job and my mother moved out of hong kong as she had to take care of my uncle, whos liver was slowly shutting down. So me and Noel got our own little place in the city,it was tiny but it was ours.Noel had to leave her job as she didnt have a work visa for hong kong.i got her a job at the place i first worked at,illegally.i went to work with her back in the same bar.what i later learnt is that she had been in HK illegally for 3 years.one night after work i got the news my uncle died,i cried for hours to the point i couldnt breath i popped a blood vessle in my eye and also formed a cyst wich is still there.As everything life goes on, shittily but it does.one day on a quiet sunday afternoon the bar we work at gets raided by immigration officials working under cover and demand all our I.D.s Noel didnt have one and got arrested,shes currently in prison till her 3 month sentance is over then she will be deported. Long story short,i now live alone with these animals i can barely take care of.i work a job that i have to pretend to be happy all day and i hate it.i cant even get myself to eat or bathe and i just want to end it all I cant tell friends and family cause im ashamed of thinking and feeling this way. This is the first time ive ever told anybody about how lifes been honestly I just reaaaaallly had to write it out.