I dont know what to do anymore

Its been almost 6 months since you left. It's been almost 3 months that I finally decided to stop trying.

And yet, every day I still punish myself for what I said. I never should've said those hurtful things. I felt so disrespected and betrayed. How could you be with me for so long and then jump to the next person, deny it was happening behind my back, and then invalidate everything I felt and said?

How do I stop minimising my abusive behaviour? I've reflected a lot, and still do every day, but I keep justifying what I did and said, based on the betrayal she did to me.

Why do I still want you back?

I dont know how to forgive myself and I dont think I deserve forgiveness, if I'm being honest. I hurt you. I love/d you so much, and I said the worst things I could've ever said.

Why do I still want you? Why do I still love you?

You're with someone else... I want you to be happy, but I don't want you to be happy with this dickhead you left me for. I still have screenshots of your sexts being shared online without your consent by them. I dont know if you'll ever come back, but if you do, I'll probably show you them.

I think about you every day.

I miss you every day.

Will you ever come back?

Do you miss me?

Do you think about me?

Do you still love me?

I know I said I'm sorry for what I did. But you'll never really know just how sorry I truly am.

If you do ever want to give me another chance, I know that I'll be different. I'll be a better person and a better partner.

I feel dumb for even thinking and feeling this way. I dont know what I'm supposed to do. I've been doing my best - going out, meeting new people, focusing on myself. But... it doesnt feel real. It feels ingenuine. That I'm trying too hard to be okay when I'm not. I was whole when I was with you and although I know I have to use this time to be whole without you, I still want to be with you. I probably always will.