Life is not secure

One of the healthiest attitudes I've learned to adopt since embarking on this journey of getting my life together, is, "learning to be comfortable with discomfort". Paradoxically, adopting this attitude, life has actually become quite happy and comfortable for me. But of course I do still have my challenges - sometimes big ones, sometimes small; sometimes many, sometimes few.

Well the last couple days have really been challenging for me for some reason. I guess I've always carried this idea around that my way of doing things isn't good enough, or worse than everyone else's. Over the years it's diminished little by little but the last couple of weeks have been quite drastic. It's amazing - suddenly I leave my teaching job thinking "that was a great class" instead of saying "ah man, I need to do better and my students know it" (note: this usually involves comparing myself to some imaginary standard where other people are more effective teachers). Suddenly I notice that I'm connecting with more people, and get this, a lot of them are women! I have a wonderful girlfriend of 18 months, so I'm not looking to be physical with anyone else. Connecting with her has been huge, but now I'm starting to own my sexuality and instead of thinking that I'm some sort of creep for having sexual urges. I'm starting to realize that it's human. And I can look an attractive woman in the eye - and I can have sexual feelings for her yet at the same time be a loving and platonic friend. The two are not mutually exclusive like I had always thought.

In fact, I started to realize too that women like me! I am a 26 year old male who really has his life together. How many men nowadays are taking an honest look at their shortcomings and striving daily to overcome them? How many men wake up every day and do their best to face life with a GENUINE sense of positivity and gratitude? And not because there's any reward involved (like being cool or having sex), but because it's just the mature way to face life? How many men worry about having their lives together in all aspects - emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically? It's mature and it's sexy, and I'm starting to see that women don't think I'm creepy - they think I'm hot. Yeah I said it. But like above, it's more than just that. They like me because I like me, that energy is contagious and healing. It's sexual but it's more than that too. (Note: if you're on this sub you are this type of man, too).

These realizations have brought me to the highest peak - my band had a rehearsal, as we are getting ready to record a 5 track disc, last weekend. I unapologetically owned my songs (I wrote them) and my opinion and lead the rehearsal and let the music flow through me, and through us. It was really something beautiful. It couldn't have been me. It was bigger than me, I was just a passive agent, merely the medium for the music to come out. And I couldn't have done it without all my friends backing me up, and without my bandmates who brought my music to life.

As the week progressed things have gotten more difficult. I am having these deep pangs of hurt lately. Like, I think - "Oh my god, why did I send that e-mail?" Or "I can't believe I acted that way in class today". They're old thought patterns. But something new has arisen - when I see them, now I think, and I feel, that they are not true. When they arise, usually acompanied by deep pangs of hurt, I take a second look at at that pain. That pain is not really guilt, that pain is the pain of death.

Because I'm realizing, I really don't have control over this life thing. Yes, my attitudes, certainly. But perhaps not much else. I'm not as in charge as I think. And, I think, this idea that "I'm worse than everyone else", is not true, but at least, it was something I could hold on to. If I held on to that identity, I knew the result, I knew what to expect. That included unhappiness, yes. But unhappiness was safety. So my whole life I had chosen safety - hence my unhappiness.

Now I'm choosing something else. I'm choosing happiness. Hence my experience last week, with the music, and all the cool things with my sexuality and self-acceptance and the like. And when I have those thoughts, and feel those pangs of hurt, I realize it's not guilt. I don't focus on the thought, but rather on the pain. And I see the pain - the pain is the pain of death. Because, the truth is, one day, and, sooner rather than later, I will die. No matter what I do on this Earth, my fate will be the same as everyone else - death. No matter how in control I think I am, there are forces that are much bigger than me. The same force that brought me here will one day return to claim me. And it hurts, physically. Because my body is dying. And, indeed, an illusion is dying. The illusion that I am the body, and not the spirit - the spirit that we all share. The illusion, the illusion that I am different, indeed worse - the illusion that I clung to my whole life, is dying. And it hurts.

It's been a rollercoaster this week, from a huge peak again to another low of anxiety, stress and confusion. But, I must say - life is not secure. If I wanted security, I would have to use something like porn. Porn is predictable. If I wanted security, I would have to continue to think that I'm worthless. That would be familiar and predictable. But I'm not choosing that anymore. I'm choosing life. I'm choosing insecurity.

Insecurity is my only shot at happiness. Insecurity is the truth. Insecurity is death, yes. But, only through accepting my inevitable fate, death, can I truly begin to live. Today I am living. It is wonderful, it is gift.