I'm struggling Mom and I think I'm failing

You would love my two boys. You'd be so proud and happy that the children I was told I'd never have are here. They'd love you just as much. I'm failing them. All my friends have disappeared. I keep reaching out for help and they spew words but don't act. We were placeholders, good enough until someone better came along to replace us. The house got to a point that I was considering giving up the kids to keep them safe because no one would help. I've fixed it, but at the cost of my health. I can barely walk. I know you would have been here every week to help clean, or take the boys off my hands for a while. I know I could trust you to do it how I wanted and not try to cross the boundaries because you think you know better. You'd push me out the door with hubby to do us things. PND is in high gear. I'm hurting myself again. No one cares. Hubby is watching, probably scared and feeling helpless. I can't help him. That hurts too. Mental health facilities here are useless. I'm trying to find the help but so far nothing works. They all say the same thing. I need a support network. I don't have one. I'm scared I'm not going to make it through. I'm going to keep fighting, but what if I lose? I miss you Mom. I want you back.