Not necessarily depressed per se, but just lost...

Life for me since age 12-13 (15 rn) has been progressively getting worse. It looks ok on the surface, typical middle class family. Except there's one problem.

I'm actually miserable. I'm absolutely miserable. I loathe myself constantly, and I've seen things people my age really just shouldn't see. I've went too far down the rabbithole and now there's no way back. Every day, I go deeper and deeper into it. I'm constantly isolated from the rest of society (internet is only outlet, I rarely go outside or speak to actual people anymore other than my family). You see, I have home school. When I exited 6th grade, I was tired of the fucking degenerates giving me shit for existing, so I was naturally excited for home school. I think the summer after 6th grade was the last time in my life I was truly happy. When I started, it was fine. But it got worse. I fell behind in my courses to the point where I had to file for extensions. This pattern has repeated every time I start a new grade. This means I'm staying up longer, which has destroyed the once stable sleep schedule I had, and I barely get any good sleep or very little sleep at all. My mental state is chipping away. I can't come out to my family members, because they'll just ridicule me and think I'm overreacting. My mind is constantly telling myself I'm worthless. I am. I'm unintelligent, ugly, and generally hate people in general at this point. There are some people I remember from the past which I actively despise, and just thinking about them makes me angry. I honestly want to kill them, they're fucking worthless just like me. They don't deserve to live and are barely worth the air they breathe. I need my revenge. I'm not going to go Postal though. I just think about doing those things.

And thats the problem.

Years of constant violent thoughts and holding grudges has cast such a dark cloud over my mentality I can't even navigate my life clearly anymore. I'm lost. I fear its permanent, because this has been happening day in and day out for several years now. However, I can still act like I'm happy. And I do. But I don't want to. I want to let it out so fucking bad but I just can't, my mind won't let me. Its like I'm being held hostage by my own fucking mind. I'm either just empty, angry, hateful most of the time. I constantly think about what would happen if I get through this, but every time I snap back into reality I'm overcome with hatred.

I don't know what to do. I'm not depressed, suicidal or anything, I'm just lost and I don't know where to go. I'm typing this to at least get some of the weight off my chest.