Ended 2 week streak.

I was feeling so damn good...really really good, hadn't felt that way in years. Why? Cause of NoFap. Sure only two weeks you might say, but in reality I had gone about 2,5 months without orgasm. The irony is that very day I started coming out and telling people, about the challenge I was doing, about NoFap. Telling them with such enthusiasm. I was feeling so so good, owing all the joy to my abstaining from Porn and Masturbation.

I felt completely free, no urges, no temptations, I felt so clean and pure. For the first time in my life it felt like I could finally look at women in a healthy way, finally talk and make eye contact with them. I felt so awake and alert, I felt smarter, no depressed, crazy amounts of motivation for life.

Could this be it? Could this finally be when the battle gets easier? Would I finally breeze through the rest of this 90 day challenge, which in my mind means forever?

Well...here I lie in utter disgust, with thoughts of suicide racing through my mind.

Last night, God knows why, I woke up at around 2:00 Am, in a stupor, with one of the most intense urges I've had in years. Sneaking out of my room, I broke my very strict "never bring any device into the bedroom" rule, and...the rest is history.

What to do, what to do?

You have no idea how much I was hoping I would wake up and realize it was a dream. I was sure it was a dream, convinced! After all, just a few hours earlier I was telling myself how good it felt to be off Porn and Masturbation, and that no amount of it would replace that feeling of joy.

But NO, it wasn't a dream, it was so real.

This morning, at around 3:00 Am, I relapsed...AGAIN!!!

How long have I been doing NoFap?

5 stinking years!!!

Innumerable times of late night praying in tears, on my knees, begging God to forgive me for being a disgusting person.

Years of not being able to look or talk, even to those closest to me, out of utter shame!

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Many times I've wondered if the only way the world will see me free of this addiction, is if I'm no longer living in it.

I've said this so many times that it no longer carries much value, but I'll say it again anyway:

I'M SORRY!!