Some thoughts on how I've handled my Dad's passing 10 years ago.

This is regarding my thoughts on relationships being the bulk of first world problems and perhaps the lack of self-awareness possessed by some who haven’t had a sort of physical world tragedy.

This isn’t meant to be mean or a raise the stakes sort of thing. But I do kind of wonder about the self-awareness some people might not have. Of course our experiences are different, and, good or bad, some people have had more emotionally trying experiences than others. We can’t fault someone for not experiencing something; nor can we expect anyone to fully understand your personal experiences.

I grew up in a large suburb of Houston filled with middle to super upper class in the area. I also lost my dad at 16 to pancreatic cancer. I have a lot to say about that whole subject, but some of the residual affects I’ve carried is my inability to connect or sympathize. Of course this is my own problem and I don’t want to take it out on people who have been fortunate for not having lost someone close. Like I said, I didn’t want this to be a raise the stakes sort of thing. The point of this is the worst thing that has happened to a lot of the people around me was their parents divorced. And a lot of their parent’s parents are still around.

With all of this being said, my way of coping was to cling onto girls who really put an effort into being good people. Nothing like Mother Theresa, but they were more really good listeners and actively doing things to make the people around them happier. Poor girls didn’t know what was coming for them, and neither did I. It was all awful. For a few girls it was all me. They were really sweet and I was just a teenager who couldn’t articulate his problems. But there’s always one that’s different isn't there?

Really trying to keep things short here, but I’m hung up on a girl who has serious commitment issues and is in the close group of friends, i.e. I see her monthly. She is also the one I had the most “success” opening up to about my Dad passing and my struggles. She made me feel like I had a platform to open up to her, and she then did some hurtful things to me and ran away form heavy subjects.

I don’t expect this post to give me any answers I want, or to convince her that I’ve had it worse and I deserve her attention. To me it’s about hurting people with your own bullshit. I have to get over something and find better coping mechanisms. As I mentioned earlier, I was awful to be around for some girls and I should have found better ways to keep that in check and not infect their lives. But I’d also like to find a woman one day who isn’t terrified if I tell her something hard that she’s never had to experience. And I’d reciprocate, obviously.

I’m still struggling to find the perfect words to formulate my problems here, because it isn’t just about a girl. Not long after the night my dad passed, my closest friend who lived down the street said he was glad I didn’t come over that night while hospice and paramedics took care of the situation (after I came home and received the news, my family thought it best I don’t stick around to see much and go to either my best friend’s house or a close family friend across the street— I did the latter). I don’t blame him but I’ve also seen him get really emotional about things I can’t even muster up any serious sympathy towards. But a sentiment I’ve picked up on since having this tragedy, is that a lot of people think about what happened to me and then give a reaction that says, “I don’t know how I would go through something like that.” And this is depersonalizing to me. Of course it’s innocent. But just from the start, though, they kind of don’t see any of my vulnerabilities and that peoples needs are bigger than your comfort.

So to wrap this up, I guess this wasn’t really trying to go anywhere, but this is most I’ve shared publicly to anyone ever. And, to further elaborate, this isn’t a fear of being vulnerable, like If I open they’ll run away. It’s more so that the people I’ve been around haven’t had to deal with death, and I won’t take their efforts seriously, or I can feel them be overwhelmed if this subject is brought up.

I appreciate any readers!