I'm confused

I miss my ex so much she text me how she's going to look good for Halloween and how I was always an ass and how she just wants different things... i miss her i miss my kid i am out of water at home Internet and no job I just need 10$ to buy better shells to make my end fatal. I'm confused on why I can't get over this and why I come back to suicide every other day... why don't I just do it nobody cares it's all for show I would never do it they all say... but I'm going to be gone.. why can't anybody care.. im so bored im so alone fuck it if i have to shoot myself in the head twice I'll fucking do it.