I'm sorry I exist. Is it ok to die?

I would just like to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

I was abused and raped by my father for most of my childhood. He started raping me when I was eleven until we escaped three years ago when I was fifteen. He threatened to hurt my sisters very much if I was to tell anyone, so I never did. I know it's my fault. I grew very distant from my mother and sisters because I wanted to protect them and I was unable to speak very well after he started hurting me. I was too afraid they would find out what my father was doing to me and then he would hurt my sisters. But other than my mother and sisters, I never had anyone to talk to because I was home-schooled and my father didn't let us leave the house.

Every time he would hurt me, I thought I would die. Every time he finished I feared for the next time until it happened again and again. It just repeated for years, it became a blur after a while. I couldn't do anything I'm so weak and pathetic. I knew I deserved it though. I just wanted to be a better daughter so he wouldn't hurt me anymore and maybe he could be happy with me. I tried so hard to be good and I still somehow failed.

After a while of being hurt and being afraid I would be pregnant, I tried to kill myself. I wasn't sure what I was doing I just knew I wanted to stop hurting. I had a knife but I wasn't able to do it. I tried to stab myself but I thought I would hurt my mother and sisters so I stopped. It was very selfish and terrible of me to do I know. I'm sorry.

Even though I hated myself for trying to do something so selfish, I seriously thought about it again a couple years later. The only thing that stopped me was that I kept thinking of my mother and sisters and what kind of impact it would have on them.

When we escaped from him we didn't have anywhere to live for months. I could see the toll it was taking on my mother. I always thought about how much easier it would be for my mother to feed my sisters if I wasn't alive.

I've recently been talking to a therapist. She is so nice to me and wants me to get better. She's tried to help me in many ways including EMDR therapy, and trying to talk to me. It was difficult to talk to her at first because it was still hard for me to speak and I was only really able to nod yes and no.

My therapist said that I have a physiological condition called derealization disorder and PTSD. I think that's the reason why everything is so fragmented and strange. It's very hard to do basic tasks sometimes and I don't know if I can ever get better from that.

My therapist asked me if I want to get better and I think the answer is no. I know that I deserve to suffer and I feel guilty trying to feel better or get help. I always feel guilty for going to see her. I only started going because my friend said it would make her happy if I tried to get help.

She tries to help me compare myself to others. She will ask things like: do you think it's another little girl's fault for being hurt? And I would never think that at all. But it makes me think that I'm not human because I think I deserve to suffer but no one else could ever deserve that.

I'm a burden to everyone I've ever met or know. I'm so pathetic. I hate myself. I'm utterly worthless and I only hurt people. My family would be much better off without me, everyone would really. I think I might kill myself soon.

I would just like to die please.