My experience.Maybe you can relate?

Hi, I just want to say I love you with all my heart. I am so sorry. I don't want to hurt you but, I hurt. I hurt everyday. I don't remember the last time I could genuinely say: I am happy. I felt it, but it was fleeting. I always felt I had to be strong for everyone. I can't anymore. I don't want to pretend. "How are things? How are you?" "What are your plans? How are they going" "What do you want to do,then?" Don't my answers sound so genuine? So full of wisdom and a beautiful way of looking at the world? You think I am on my way. You think I have it together and when I say I am struggling a bit, you believe I can handle it. No. You are wrong. I am a very good actress. I am so good at lying it has become almost pathological. I can spit out a great answer almost without thinking because I know how the story should be told. I hate. I am angry I am so sad there are no words to describe it. Just think of a void. That is how I feel everyday. I do and say things that will make others think i'm okay because that is my character. She isn't me. She moved in and told me I have to do this for everyone. It will make you happy and everyone around you will feel better if you can show you are brave and rock hard, able to take as many blows life can throw at you. I'm a good actress. She knows all the right things to say. We were all lucky to have her for so long. She was smart. She knew people. She can read a person and know what they want to hear before they even know. I HATE HER! She took away everything that was me! I don't know where I am! Where do I start? What do I like? She will tell me what I like. What I have to do. It's a show. She can't tell me who I love, though . I only let her in because of love. It never was you! Please, do not think it was you. It was me. I let her in a long time ago. I was scared. I didn't know how to cope by myself. She said I would be stronger if I did what she said. I had to pretend. It sometimes made me feel better. I thought she would become me. I hoped I would become her. Her stories hurt me because I knew they weren't true, but forced me to say them anyway. I can't pretend anymore. When will the story end? It can only end with me. But I will not be ended. I will come back. I will make her go away.