I just want to vent about college and art a little

Note that even though I’m venting I’m also hoping for a bit of advice

I’m in my first semester in college and I’m almost through with it. You know when they talk to you about how it’s going to be the best years of you live, you can’t help but to get excited. But sitting here at 12:57 AM in the morning with a sketchbook open and the laptop on, I’m just sitting here in silence thinking.

My grades are okay: As, Bs, Cs, but the exams stress me out. I don’t feel like I can rest.

On top of that my art is terrible; I don’t know why I thought taking art education would be a good idea, and I’m too scared to back out now. I thought that since college rolled around, I could focus on my art skills now, right? But no...honestly I get too frustrated and stressed out to pick up a pencil. I end up procrastinating like right now. I’ve always wanted to draw humans and buildings, but it’s a struggle. Sometimes I tell myself that in the weekend I’ll just do nothing but a crapton of art, but then I’ll just lay in bed on Friday morning and sleep the weekend away. Like 60% of my free-time is just me waiting to go to sleep. Art used to be my comfort-zone, but now it causes me stress and frustration.

Ignoring that I’ve been hopping through different RP groups in hopes that it’ll stave off depression if I find some sort of urgency to do something, but no dice. I get a bunch of big ideas but I don’t have the motivation or confidence to set them in motion...so I break promises to myself and members of the RP groups. I’m always just there, thinking but not really doing anything.

I don’t have friends IRL anymore; they’ve all gone to other colleges and we don’t talk much anymore. We didn’t really have much in common besides the fact that we went to the same church. Since I was bullied at a young age, I don’t talk to people; I get scared and nervous. I spent 8 years like that from middle school to college year. Like my biggest fear is that I’m going to say something dumb or unintentionally offensive and I’ll get ridiculed to the point of tears.

Online I do have a few friends...but a good chunk of them were politically incorrect and/or racist, so I had to cut ties with them because they started calling me a racial slur. That’s my fault honestly. Another chunk of those who remain are depressed too, and I feel selfish because I can’t really help them through it.

So I tried to make friends this semester and met a girl who shares my class. It went well until I realized that she was using me for my money and my car and wanted me to help her cheat on an exam. Like I don’t know...I’ve had a bunch of “friends” who’ve done this since I was little. I don’t understand why it keeps happening. Maybe they can sense that I’m easy to take advantage of. Other than that I’m just regulated to small talk and everyone knows who I but I don’t know who they are. Guys talk to me and flirt with me, but I don’t know how to respond.

So I’m just really worried that I’m never going to get out of this slump I’ve been in for a long while now. Like one day I’ll just become a crazy old cat lady. I just want an IRL friend for once who won’t use me for my money and actually shares a similar interest with me.

I also miss my mom and wished I had a pet again.