Source
r/self•
CivilDiscussions

My little brother killed himself tonight

My little brother killed himself tonight, and I have no clue why.

He had an amazing wife who was clearly his soul mate. He had just bought his first house. It seemed like he had everything going for him. I wish I understood why he took this drastic step.

I feel so sad for his poor wife. This must be utterly destroying her. It is so senseless. Part of me wants to call his cell phone and hope he answers, because this just doesn’t make sense.

Edit: thanks for all the kind words

Posted Nov 7, 2017, 9:04 AM UTC · edited

93579
what2put•

I am so sorry for your loss and for how lost and confused you are. You might find answers later and you may not. Don't be afraid to reach out to your sister-in-law. She might need help, too.

326
CivilDiscussionsOP•

Even if I find answers, it will never make sense.

131
menicknick•

I've had four people I've known or were close with commit suicide. It will never make sense. I'm sorry for your loss.

In time, it does get easier but it will take some time.

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Critonurmom•

It definitely does get easier. My father committed suicide 8 days after my 11th birthday, and my brother went a month after my daughter was born.

My father took me years to become "ok" with his passing, and while I still miss my brother probably more than anything and anyone I've lost, it's gotten easier.

35
what2put•

That is very true. For most people on the planet, we are born, we are a living creature, and we die. We just don't always know how we will die. When there are accidents, suicides, and murders, etc, they are harder to wrap our minds around. Sometimes in life we will ask questions and not get any answers. Those answers don't change the fact of those people are gone. I've known too many people who have passed away, in all types of manors. I've started to think of life like a book; a beginning-birth, a middle- living, and an ending- death. When people pass away, that is there ending. There life was whatever it was from beginning to end. It's easy to play the shoulda-woulda-coulda game of how things might have gone had they not expired, because we all want a happy ending.

We have all of our memories of the people who've gone. Other's do too. I find peace and joy from hearing new stories I've never heard of experiences I wasn't there for. It's the closest thing to making new memories with the dead. Which is usually one of the hardest parts, knowing you will no longer have the ability to make new memories or have new experiences with them. But you can share stories with each other, and learn new things about the people who have gone. I don't know how much of this will help you or anyone else who reads it, but I do hope you find some peace.

9
funknut•

Thanks. I've lost a few who've taken their own lives. The main deficiency with any explanation short of terminal illness is that most survivors report immediately regretting their attempts. It doesn't make dealing with it any easier, unless you consider that these were otherwise amazing people who succumbed to a moment of extreme vulnerability.

2
craigske•

Suicide doesn't make sense. It's very difficult for rational people to put themselves in the shoes of a suicide victim. Often there is a history of long term depression or other mental illness. It's amazing how well hidden such illness can be.

Talk to someone. You'll go through many states of grieving. It's best to get some help understanding how you're feeling.

137
CivilDiscussionsOP•

I didn’t even know he was depressed, but my parents indicated he was in therapy which was a surprise to me. He seemed happy all the time, but I think he did a really good job of not showing the fact that he was depressed to others.

I guess depression isn’t something brothers typically talk to each other about. But maybe it should be.

96
Niezo•

I can speak from 'the other side', and tell you that hiding something like that is a skill, and that it's a skill people can develop really well. When I was fifteen, I had 'coma fantasies', so I wasn't really suicidal - but my family only knows about it recently.

r/SuicideBereavement is a place you may want to visit, btw. Tons of supportive people there.

e: grammar

82
SOwED•

Another one checking in. I'm the "successful one" of me and my two brothers, and the youngest. Good degree, salaried career straight out of college which I've been with for a few years now.

The "coma fantasy" you're talking about is I think one that I've shared. I used to talk about going to sleep forever frequently as something I yearned for.

I mostly haven't been suicidal, but have long felt like if I died that'd be a-okay, and you're right that it's a skill you develop of spinning it into humor or deflecting it with existential philosophy.

I hope you're doing better, and to OP, I hope these comments at least help you contextualize this tragic event, even though I know they won't make it better.

21
SenorDevin•

My brother took his life two years ago. I think both of us suffer from the same illness and now I'm trying not to become a victim. We never talked about it to each other but now I'm open to my friends and family. Stay strong my friend. Don't keep things bottled up. Feel free to message me If you want someone to talk to about this.

7
craigske•

Yeah it should be. It's changing over time, but there's a lot of people suffering. It's way more common than people think. The suicide rate for middle aged men is atrocious.

6
machine_elf710•

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad's best friend hung himself about 11 years ago, and my best friend did the same almost 3 years ago. It'll never make sense, but you do gain some perspective on it with time. Both my uncle and my friend were the very last people you'd expect it from. They were both always the life of the party and always were the ones to bring all the friends together. They hid it so well it was all the more shocking when it happened.

It's very easy and tempting to withdraw into your grief and substance abuse, but both of these will only cause more pain and prevent or delay healing. One of the best things you can do right now is to be there as much as possible for the people left behind. You're brother's wife will need a lot of support, as will the rest of your family. Being there for and with your family helps you all remember the good times together, as well as ensures as much as possible they will not feel alone right now.

I wish you and your family all the best, and my heart goes out to you.

6
JessPlays•

But maybe it should be.

It really should. But unfortunately since men are often taught from a very young age to "not be sissies" and to just deal with their emotions without any help, a lot of men with depression and mental illness struggle and don't get the help they need, or too late. This is a huge issue facing men in this world, especially with mental illness on the rise. I think we are becoming more aware of this problem as a society though, and I (hope) things are starting to improve.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It very often comes out of nowhere for loved ones, it sounds like there is no way you could have known. Hang in there my friend.

3
Rainfly_X•

Depression is usually about something being broken on the inside, not the outside. So it's easy, from the outside, to say "he had a great life with great people, wtf?"

And honestly, that can be part of the problem in the depressed person's psyche, too. You might be more stable when your life sucks. You can point to reasons, excuses why you can't hold onto happiness for more than a fleeting moment. You can promise yourself, "I'll feel better when I'm in a good relationship" or "when I don't have to worry about money anymore, that'll fix me." But then you finally get that stuff... and you're still not happy. Because the outside was never the problem.

That's a devastating feeling. That nothing will ever make you happy, and you were an idiot for trying to outrun your own shadow. Getting your life together can be the last nail in the coffin.

To any suicidal readers, I'd like to add a counterpoint to this feeling: recovery is still possible, but you have to address the root problem. There is no amount of external improvement that will "solve" what you're feeling, but that's not your entire possibility space of options - in fact, it's specifically the stuff that isn't the problem. If you're contemplating suicide, you need help. Don't pretend it's not that bad, it is that bad, or you wouldn't be seriously considering suicide. You're worth supporting.

3
johnbentley•

Suicide doesn't make sense.

I wouldn't, for example, call the decision to jump out of the world trade centre to a certain earlier death, rather than die a bit later in a wall of flames: "an incoherent decision".

1
urcrackinmeup•

I'm so sorry. I hope you can find some peace.

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notmyselftoday•

Very sorry for your loss. Please please be kind to yourself and setup a counseling appointment. Even if you don't think you need it...you might be surprised.

A good friend of mine took his life on 7/26/17. His wife was the last person he spoke with and it nearly destroyed her. She felt she needed to know exactly why he did it and it was driving her crazy. Talking to someone was immensely helpful for her.

Even if you don't go to counseling, talk to someone.

24
piconutz•

Hey, I've lost two brothers, one to suicide and one to overdose. Nothing anyone can say will make it feel ok for you right now. I can only give you a few tips that helped me. I will tell you that the only thing that will make it hurt less is time. Don't be afraid to lean on your loved ones for help and support. And don't use drugs and excessive alcohol to make it go away (it won't) and avoid making any big decisions for a few weeks. Feel free to PM me. Sorry, man, this shit is gonna fuck you up for a bit.

16
Rpd7x•

That breaks my heart to hear. I wish you all the best with your grief. While its natural to think of what you could have - what you would have - done, don’t punish yourself. There is no doubt that you would have done all in your love and power to help. May your family and friends warmly surround you during these times.

14
hiepdn•

Hey man, sorry for your loss.

Hope you are holding on. Life is just so difficult sometimes but I’m sure it’ll get better.

11
jasenlee•

I have been through this. My brother killed himself as well.

You are going to hear a lot of people say "I'm sorry" and that's because they don't know what else to say. A big part of it may feel empty because no amount "sorries" will bring him back.

People will try to give you advice kind of like what I'm going to say next and you can say "fuck it all" to everything. You don't or shouldn't have to listen to anyone as you figure this out.

A friend of mine who also went through a nearly similar thing helped me pack the car as I leaving. As I was crying to get into the car to go see my now deceased brother and family and start the process of planning the funeral he grabbed me roughly by the shoulders and told me to look at him. I did and he said "Jasen, keep your eyes wide open. No matter how hard this is try and remember everything because soon your mind will play tricks on you and you'll want to forget. Try and remember his voice, his eyes, his stories. Try to remember everything."

I did do that and it made all the difference in processing it later.

I hope you come out well on the other side.

Well wishes to you and yours.

8
drunkmom•

I am sorry for your loss. I hope your memories of time with your brother help you through the next few weeks. I am so sorry.

7
Critonurmom•

I'm so sorry. I know how you're feeling, in a way. My older brother and mine and my husband's best friend killed himself 8 years ago. While we always knew it was coming eventually, it still hit me really hard. We were just talking about how much we miss him a few days ago. It does get easier over time. Never 100%, but easier.

It's hard to know what's going through people's minds and what unknowns they're dealing with. They act seemingly perfect for other people, but inside your mind can be a dark, dark place.

Are you close to his wife? It could be good for both of you to have each other to lean on right now. Maybe a therapist for the two of you?

7
Jazze_brains•

I am sorry for your loss. The Lord is near to the broken hearted. (Psalm 34:18)

7
randomfemale•

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

5
TresGay•

My older sister killed herself last January. You have some ups and deep downs ahead of you, but you can get through this.

Right now archive an old voice mail or two from him and move the files to someplace that you would have to go looking for them. The surprise of hearing my sister's voice unexpectedly can still send me into a fast tail-spin. I want to remember her voice, though, so archiving the voice files was my solution.

I have quit asking "why" or torturing myself with "what if." Letting those two obsessive thoughts go has done a lot to help me.

For the first year or so I found that reading other peoples' stories of loss and recovery was very helpful. I subscribed to this sub and read daily; I find that I no longer need it, though.

https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideBereavement/

Just within the last month or two I keep "seeing" my sister everywhere (and her wife who died three years before). She had highly distinctive white hair - when I see someone with that colour and a similar cut my heart pounds. I actually followed one man (my sister was VERY butch) for half a block thinking I was lucid dreaming or something.

6
wekiva•

Don't know what to say. It's sad.

5
tcrypt•

Part of me wants to call his cell phone and hope he answers, because this just doesn’t make sense.

If he had a voicemail set up you should have someone call it and record it for you. I did that for my wife after her father killed himself and it's been a little comforting to her sometimes.

5
randomfemale•

So so sorry.

My dad shot himself last May 25th; he was terminally ill. It still is horribly painful to me that he shortened my time with him. It is so hurtful when they choose to leave us. The burden of guilt and pain is overwhelming.

In the case of your brother I think you might want to consider that he may have been depressed and concealed it. Depression is an insidious condition and those who have it suffer deeply. As it is all inside their own head, it can feel like there is no choice but to do what he did, just to escape the pain.

If he hid it, you couldn't have known. And if ill, of that nature of ailment, he obviously wasn't rational. Of course this is speculation on my part, but if it fits, I would try to remember that.

5
bartonsmart•

Of course every case is different, but I think suicide by a terminally ill person is not shameful, and can, in fact, be a noble act. This person has recognized his fate, accepted it, and opted for a path of control, rather than sending himself and family into the burden of expensive medical treatment. I’m wondering if any part of you feels proud of him for this? I am sad for you and hope you do not bear guilt. Peace and love.

1
ComplexSeizure•

Sorry for your loss

4
KorgRue•

My brother hung him self from the tree in my parents backyard last year. He was 34. OP, reach out to me if you need to chat with someone that understands what you are going through. Seriously.

My mom called me while I was cutting the lawn the day it happened. I was in such shock and denial that I carried on mowing the lawn and doing the gardening. It hit me later that night. Was the most awful time of my life.

4
hollybinx•

I am so sorry, my younger brother killed himself 35 years ago...I still hurt

4
UntamedVillans•

My cousin did the same. I believe in many cases the person who made the attempt to kill themselves also couldnt think clear at times. Condolences to you regardless, PM if you need a chat

3
MC_Kloppedie•

It sounds weird but the night my brother died, I posted an X on his facebook. Never be afraid of talking about it. Most people shut down and were afraid of mentioning him or how/why he died when I'm around but I've found that talking about him really helped. It also helps raise awareness in general.

Be sure to support your SIL and the rest of those affected. It gets easier but never fully.

Take care OP.

3