I suggest taking the periods out as to de-emphasize the grammatical housing of the language. By taking the periods out it (in my opinion) makes it more-so like it is actually being sung aloud instead of read off a screen.

Thank you! Interesting suggestion. Do the periods cause you to read the ends of the stanzas with a shorter emphasis?

I really dig this poem. You manage to pack a lot of meaning and power into 16 words and 2 concrete images. Your use of assonance and brevity is really skillful. The only suggestion I can think to make would be to ax the periods at the ends of the stanzas to emphasize the musicality of the language(Considering the errie-dream feel of this poem).  
Seriously good work here. The sonics and evocative images make this piece a really nice read. Keep writing!


Thank you! I'm glad this gave you such a strong image.

This is powerful. The mental image I get from it is someone standing on a cliff as the sun goes down and the stars come out, a comet streaks across the sky. The wind blows long hair and said person reflects back on their family. I don't know how you intended this poem to affect the reader, but it's a strong set of words.

Thank you! I'm very glad this connected you to that strong memory.

I am pagan, this poem takes me right to a gathering held in the mountains.  They always have a fire going at night and since there is no light pollution you have the endless sky filled with stars to look up at.  Your poem in such few words took me straight back there.  Don't change anything.

Thank you! This probably reminds you of a Norse tale because of the alliteration used and because every single word is a Germanic word from Anglo-Saxon or Old Norse.

This reminds me of a Norse tale for some reason. As little descriptive words as possible but they somehow coalesce into a powerful message. Also paints the picture of a cold night around a fire.
Fav line = skin bright 

> Such was sung- and so I sing

This statement tied to the imagery of the stars makes my heart sing...  thank you 

Skin bright with fire. I enjoyed the imagery this evoked. Short and powerful. Excellently subtle without trying so hard to be that

> Skin is the most alive word, the only word that connects the images and brings the reader into the scene. Without the word skin, I don't think it works at all.   

An analogy adjective has to be notorious in its presumed aspect, 'skin' is not always bright, leaving this noun-adjective in a gray area, without the required useful blatant attribute. and line four is very old; brutally i don't see anything to save in the first four lines. i would expand the composition and rewrite from scratch, holding the last two lines as a probable ending.

Thank you for the review!

Yeah, the effect I was going for does balance on the edge of pedestrian. I tried to rely on alliteration, especially the assonance, consistent word choice, and the word _skin_. Skin is the most alive word, the only word that connects the images and brings the reader into the scene. Without the word skin, I don't think it works at all.

What I hoped would happen, and did for some readers, is that the connection between the two stanzas would create a sense of ritual, of connectedness of the first person with the past. I hoped the simple diction and word choice would support that.

Still, what you described is the failure mode of the effects I tried to use. Useful to know.

> Stars fall    
> skin bright   
> with fire  
> and endless sky  

Gloves off. The first four lines are thin, lacking fresh composition and interest, and provoking no further thought. Every word group should have either a fresh composition or introduce innovative phraseology, and preferably both.  The only exception here would be when you are actually going for the decisively mundane, and even then, you must be careful not to entirely succeed.  

>      Such was sung — and  
>      and so I sing  

this i like quite a lot, dazzlingly direct first person dialog, but only a fragment of a poem.  also the fancy formatting appears distracting and pointless.  


&amp;nbsp;    
Stars fall    
skin bright    
with fire    
and endless sky    
&amp;nbsp;    
&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Such was sung —    
&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;and so I sing    
&amp;nbsp;    

----

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7bo3nm/j%C4%93ra/dpk76x5/), [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/781qjb/your_lies/dpk1nnz/)

Night Fire