Source
r/polyamory•
AnneOR

Ugh ..seeking hugs and validation about a poly breakup

edit: Thanks for the responses. They helped me sort out that my partner refusing to answer what I thought was a straightforward question led me to fear something sneaky or bad was going on, and my reactions were based on that. My ex husband was a compulsive liar and I have when people don't seem forthcoming my subconscious goes to worse case scenario. No idea how things will shake out, but I'm grateful I understand my part of it better.

Seeking random hugs and reminders that things will get better.

My serious partner of 4ish years and I broke up tonight, unexpectedly.

We went to an event, and on the way out my partner and I spoke with my ex-husband's (divorced for about a year) roommate/ex-girlfriend. She said they'd talked about doing this hobby he does together that he's recently taken up, apparently he invited her to go do it. On the drive home I said I was surprised he did not tell me, due to the fact she lives with my ex husband, and that's something I would have expected him to mention.

I was not presenting as being upset, and was not upset. I didn't raise my voice or increase my tempo or..anything. I was just honestly surprised he hadn't thought it was worth giving me a heads up about due to the special circumstances of it being related to my recent divorce. I lived with him for 9 months after I left my ex and it was a shitstorm of a breakup/divorce and I feel very certain he would not be surprised I would want him to mention this, I've used my words pretty assertively around this subject)

He told me he would not ENGAGE in discussing it with me because I drank alcohol. I agreed that while I'd had three beers over the 4 hours we were at the event and was definitely tipsy and happily non sober, I didn't feel that really impacted the validity me asking. He just changed the subject to say well * Bob* asked if you were "OK" so the consensus is you're not acting right, so I wont engage with you.

We got back to his place, I asked if he actually thought it was odd to want to know if a partner was talking about making plans with people who were involved with an ex spouse - and he just stood his ground and repeated that since I drank he wouldn't talk to me but also that it wasn't something I should care about, but he wouldn't let me actually, you know, discuss it with him now. I said it didn't seem like we should be involved anymore if he wouldn't even talk to me.

He immediately started saying I broke up with him and so he REALLY wouldn't engage, so I packed up the stuff I could and hung around his living room til I felt OK to drive home.

My ex husband gaslighted the hell out of me for a decade, so I have trouble not thinking people who say they love me are right when they say whatever they think works to their advantage, so I thought I'd fact check while I could...maybe I was unruly and my partner was being factual and I was acting ridiculously? I wrote to Bob to ask if I had been odd or drunk acting, and he said no, he'd asked my partner if I was OK because he thought I was putting on a brave face about all the stuff going on in my life.

So, I get that my partner was looking for a reason to end our relationship, the last year has been not amazing, we almost broke up, and I thought it was almost over, but we suddenly had a lot of upcoming plans he initiated which was awesome, and he'd just initiated plans for our anniversary weekend, which surprised me and made me happy, and I thought things were trending in a much better direction the last month.

AND DAMMIT this still feels shitty, and I feel sad about it, because ideally a friendly breakup would've been doable/welcome. I discussed downgrading the relationship to a much more casual thing if that would work better for him but he didn't want to. I talked to him about how he didn't need to BURN SHIT DOWN and I'd felt he was defaulting to that mindset of needing to burn bridges behind him when it wasn't necessary since we are poly... but NOW now I guess I'm technically single. It sucks because I don't give a shit if he does a hobby with my ex husband's gf, I just don't like being blindsided by it then bullshitted and dismissed.

TL:DR screw that, read the whole thing or don't bother ;)

Posted Nov 9, 2017, 10:17 AM UTC · edited

210
Aflameisfitful•

hugs Sounds like it was heading there for a while. I'm sorry it ended so badly. But you're right, it will be ok, you just need to push through.

I mean, there's a possibility that there were deeper unresolved feelings behind the over the top defensiveness, but at this point in what appears to be a dying relationship, I'm not sure it would be worth it to try and dig through to them. Clearly he was unwilling to communicate, period, and if he was using someone else's remark to judge your level of sobriety, instead of his own fairly extensive experience with you (combined with the general recent "mood" of the relationship) then I think you're right; he was looking for a way to end it. It's completely reasonable for you to want to just get out of it versus sticking around for more crappy confrontations.

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AnneOROP•

Thank you

1
AthenaDoll•

Sending hugs and love, break ups are actually the worst :( đź’–

2
rainythrsdy•

There is alot of assumptions being made here.

1
noseshimself•

He does not want to talk at that minute, you insist, he denies again and you come up with an

I said it didn't seem like we should be involved anymore if he wouldn't even talk to me.

Hm. From his point of view you probably offered it (and even here it sounds like a passive-aggressive attack), he accepted. Case closed for him.

defaulting to that mindset of needing to burn bridges behind him when it wasn't necessary since we are poly

This does not have anything to do with being poly or not; sometimes you have to securely close the door as soon as a relationship finishes. You are just alluding to further trouble but maybe he really was fed up...

like my life is a Jerry Springer episode

It definitely sounds like one.

0
nurili•

Yeah, you said something that sounded like an ultimatum when they said they didn't want to discuss stuff right there and then. When it's late, people are tired and/or tipsy/drunk + emotional subject, it's often best to realise that's not the best spot to negotiate heavy relationship decisions and get sleep before approaching the subject.

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AnneOROP•

Hrm well that isn't all the context, mainly my emotional feels, I didn't come right out and give some sort of ultimatum - I was trying to be succinct - but I can see why it reads that way. He didn't say he would talk to me about it later, he just shut me down and implied I wasn't being rational to ask period.

11 pm isn't late to him and he hadn't had alcohol. And the main takeaway is that for me its not a big deal/emotional question, and for him it was a big deal/emotional, likely because he felt bad for not mentioning it, and he tends to get defensive in situations like that.

I totally get that some people have reluctance to talk about things they find hard or awkward, but it's kind of a need for me to be able to parse what's going on. I'd have been OK with "can we talk about this in the morning" but not with being shut down like my curiosity was unreasonable.

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IWankYouWonkrelationship anarchist•

It sounds like he was done, and this was as good an excuse as any to end things. It reads as though there’s a lot of baggage between you two, but breakups still suck.

However. I wouldn’t talk about a potentially heavy subject when people have been drinking, either. Maybe he was being shitty, maybe he preferred to discuss it sober, idk. But he’s not off the hook to refuse processing with an unsober person. And I would certainly take “maybe we shouldn’t even date then” as a break up invitation. Is that what you meant?

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AnneOROP•

Thanks - we have very different ideas about what are heavy subjects. I just expected him to say he forgot to tell me, or that he just didn't think it was relevant unless a plan was made. I didn't expect it to be anything more than a 30 second conversation. He views many things as potentially difficult conversations that I don't, and we have run into that more times than I can count.

And I don't know what I meant - we are not a great fit anymore for a super serious relationship, it's clear we both need different things in serious partners to be happy. I want him in my life and I don't want to break up - but it's OK that he interpreted me as wanting to break up. I can't imagine we don't both need space to actually figure out what, if anything makes sense.

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AnneOROP•

Thanks. I won't totally agree,I think waiting 30 minutes to check in again when we are not on the road is not unreasonable, when I'm definitely capable of normal human conversation.

I'll say a lot of it comes down to the fact we are a great fit for a lot of stuff, but not for the serious relationship we found ourselves in. I'd prefer a less big deal relationship, but I understand it's easier to break up than transition for most people. He might be fed up but I'll say its because of self imposed choices, he hasn't expressed any feeling or desires for me to communicate differently before, and asking me to shut up and lying/misinterpreting a friends take on a situation to convince me I'm being irrational because he doesn't want to answer, isn't OK ever.

Also, you kinda suck at the seeking hugs and validation part, but I totally appreciate the reminder that not everybody is a hippie. And I do agree that he doesn't want to be an active participant in a relationship with me and I should just accept that even if there were a lot of kinder ways he could have done it.

I can understand the needing to securely close the door bit. My ex? I guess is not a talker/thinker/communicator about emotional stuff, and I need those things. I'm sure it's much more practical to find reasons to justify a clean break than do the work of transition. It still hurts though.

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