Still not over my ex, no core friends, where to proceed from here?
[deleted]
Posted Nov 20, 2017, 7:24 PM UTC
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I'm sort of in the same place.
I'm over my previous relationship, but it kind of soured me on dating. I've tried but I'm just completely apathetic towards the whole idea. I make plans and then end up canceling because it just feels like a chore. I don't feel any strong desire to engage in pure hookups either. If it happens, great.
All my core friends have moved away, gotten married, and/or have children. We keep in touch, but that still leaves me going out alone most weekends. In fact, every weekend actually. But I've found that it's quite fun and I prefer it now. It feels like an adventure. Often when I've cancelled dates, I still wanted to go out, just alone.
But I do miss companionship as well sometimes.
So where that leaves me is, I haven't blacked out the idea of talking to people on Grindr entirely. I just put no emphasis on dating. I talk to guys with the hope that maybe I'll meet a few cool people to hang out with. Maybe we'll fuck too but that's a side bonus.
So basically I'm trying to do both of the options you mentioned, focusing on friends, and maybe something fun will come along to.
The only downside is that occasionally I meet a cool guy, we talk about hanging out, I get excited to have made a new friend, and then they disappear. It's disappointing but just a reality of trying to make friends on an app like grinder. I need to find some friends who are girls honestly.
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[deleted]
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I hate to say it, but time really is the only thing that can fix breakups. It takes a long time to get over someone you really loved and until you've fully recovered, it will be very hard to have a relationship with anyone else. Just focus on doing things that you enjoy. Now would be a great time to find new activities that you enjoy and things like that if you dont currently have any hobbies you're invested in. Between relationships is the perfect time to just work on yourself instead of focusing on other people.
As for finding friends, I have no idea. I'm pretty terrible at that too. But hey, if you found a hobby that you're really into, you could probably find some people in the area that are into the same thing and that would be a great way to find some friends. Or you could think about reconnecting with people that you used to be friends with but the relationship ended placidly. I would totally be your friend if I lived anywhere near that area lol.
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[deleted]
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It's different for everyone. I've personally never been through a real breakup so idk for sure, but depending on how serious the relationship was and generally how you are as a person, it could take anywhere from a couple months to well over a year. Heartbreak is a very strange thing. I would recommend to keep looking for someone else but don't try too hard. You'll know you've healed when you're able to fully appreciate someone without comparing them to your ex.
You might even consider seeing a therapist or something. Might sound a bit overkill but I genuinely think anyone could benefit from having someone to openly discuss their feelings with, especially if you don't have anyone in your personal circle that you can do that with. And yeah, if you have to wait until you're in a better financial place to start exploring hobbies, then that might be what needs to happen. I'm sure there's smaller scale things you could do in your current situation though. Even just finding a really good TV show/book can be a good way to engage your brain in something other than work/relationships as corny as it sounds.
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[deleted]
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[deleted]
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You don't say how long you were together but it is possible you are in a way grieving the lost relationship, which is going to make it hard to focus on being a good boyfriend to someone else until you process it.
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[deleted]
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Was it your first serious relationship?
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[deleted]
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Well if it was me, I would likely not be thinking about other guys for a while. That's just how I am. I'm gathering you don't see long-term potential with the guy you are with (which he deserves to know... I assume he's aware he's Rebound Guy, but hopefully he doesn't think this is going somewhere it isn't).
I wonder if, beyond the comparison to the ex, the reason dating feels like swimming upstream is because you're treating it like a job search. Someone essential quit at an inopportune time, and you're trying to find their replacement without understanding what happened. I've never been good at "Dating" for its own sake... the relationships I've had that have lasted, we met by accident.
I feel like you'd have more overall happiness if you solved the other problem, the lack of healthy friendships, first. I gather your roommates, gym companions, classmates, are just that. Do you really know what in other people brings you joy? This seems key if you're going to find them.
You mentioned not having time/money for hobbies but if you were dating someone, that takes both. I feel like the energy and money that would be going towards a guy, maybe you could invest in yourself, at least for now. Figure out what interests you and get to know some other people who do that thing. Accomplish something with other people and make some memories that don't involve sex.
You mention the gym: could you maybe either set a particular goal for yourself or get involved in a group activity like crossfit or a team where you are interacting with other people? Or are there groups at your school you could participate in? Just fishing for ideas here.
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I was told that it takes about 1.5 times the amount of time to get over someone as you were in love with them.
And I think there's some truth to that.
Focus on making friends. Good friends are the key to a happy life. They'll stick with you longer than most romantic partners and can become a second family.
I took a long pause on dating after my last breakup. It was pointless sleeping next to someone, but dreaming about someone else.
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Are there not LGBT activities you can join in Miami? It's a big city. Just google it.
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Miami is a tough city to meet people (also live here). I am in the same position where I cannot really take anyone seriously and don't want. Just want a consistent fwbs who I get along with. Maybe if that turns into a relationship, sure, but not going to find that any time soon. It took me almost 1.5 years to eventually get over someone (even though the 0.5 years of that time I still spoke and saw him regularly, just no intimacy). I am mostly over it but still some days I wish I had the connection I made with someone else.
Best advice is to just let time do it's trick, try and not to think about that person or compare new people you are seeing to them. Chances are, as in my case, you might be romanticizing the relationship more than it actually was. At least for me, looking back without as much of the foggy lenses of desire, it really was not something I wanted and it wasn't anything of quality.