Source
r/fosterit•
fiddlesticks1908

Am I too busy to have kids?

I'm a single 28 y/o male, working and going to school. I have a good job with benefits and I'm anticipating significant career advancement in the future. I've wanted to have kids since I was a kid myself. I love the idea of being a part of a young person's life, helping to shape them into members of society, imparting my knowledge and values onto them and supporting them as they navigate the turbulent waters of life. Trouble is that I'll have a busy lifestyle for the foreseeable future (10 to 15 years) and I'm worried I'll be too old before my life slows down and I won't have the energy for children then. A couple years ago I started to look into the idea of fostering or adopting an older kid since they seem to have the greatest need for parents and they won't need 24 hour supervision. My hesitation is because even an older kid might need more time than I can provide.

As long as they're in school, I could be home with them on weekdays after school, take them to counseling, be available for court dates and handle problems as they arise. I get enough time off at work with schedule swapping options that my schedule can be semi flexible.

Do I have to choose between school/career and having kids? Is it feasible to do both and still provide a good home-life for the kid? Has anyone else been in this situation? What would any of you do if you were me?

Posted Nov 30, 2017, 8:41 PM UTC

77
fosterparentthrowawa•

Many of the kids in foster care will need to be supervised all the time, no matter how old they are. I honestly recommend you finish school first. I understand you think 10 years is a long time, but 38 isn't too old to foster by any means. My husband is 41 and we just started last year. It's actually a nice age to do this because we feel pretty settled in our lives and careers.

19
kumquat88•

Maybe look in to some other ways to help. CASA, big brother program, volunteer at the local schools. CASA is great program to help the kids in the system, but a less time commitment than fostercare.

11
SpeciousArguments•

I think the best people to ask would be your local agency, they can perhaps give you a better understanding of their most pressing needs. Certainly there are ways you can help, respite might be one of those options where you can help out an ongoing placement, older kids as you mentioned is another. If you choose to take on a placement though you should be prepared to have it take up most of your free time. My general advice would be kids, active social life, career focus, pick 2.

7
PurpleDiCaprio•

We took our first placement 2.5 months ago and both my career and social life are suffering. My husband would say his social life has been hit because his work is more set hours than mine.

It’s getting better but still. The first week he was with us he got kicked off the bus and suddenly we had to take him and pick up from school every day. he has early release on Fridays and the after care program had a waiting list for weeks.

He’s gone 8:15-4:20 each day so there went any meetings I could have before 9am until we finally got a system down and I could leave the house before him. My husband has to be to work at 7.

A typical week is the evenings are spent doing catch up school work. One day a week counseling and then we have a lot of catch up dentist and doctor appointments because those were neglected. My husband and I get 9-10pm alone/together on weekdays. It’s taken forever to find babysitters so we can have date nights together.

Parent teacher conference was at 4:20, IEP meeting at 3:30, and his only state approved dentist close to us doesn’t have any appointments past 2:30pm weekdays and while it’s close to work, it’s in the opposite direction of his school. My husband can’t make these appointments because of his work hours so it’s all on me.

I don’t know how dual working parents do it let alone single parents.

My state has a big need for foster parents but equally big need for short term and respite care. If you have both school and work I would consider respite.

We had a preplanned vacation DSHS knew about and was a conditioning taking our placement. One week before we were set to go, they informed us they still had no respite lined up so he’d be pulled from school for two weeks and likely hotel to hotel the entire time. He’d go to school in whatever one was nearest the hotel that day. Respite parents are needed to keep kids in the stability they’ve finally found.

P.S. I begged my parents to take him for two weeks so he could stay in his school.

5
fiddlesticks1908OP•

You've definitely put it in perspective for me. How do you make the early appointments fit with your work day?

1
PurpleDiCaprio•

Once I had my retired dad over at 6am and once my boss had to cover my early morning meeting.

We are lucky in that our kid isn’t that traumatized by his past. So he sets his own alarm and gets himself ready. We had to come up with a way for him to get himself out the door because the front door isn’t an option. He forgets to lock it or leaves it wide open when he realizes he forgot snacks (dogs could run).

So he has a checklist the night before to check his backpack is ready and alarm is set. Then I have a standing timer in the house that signals to him to leave for the bus.

But I had to test these items for weeks by hiding down the street to make sure he could do it without me. And then we’d have setbacks and have to find another solution. With all that in place finally I feel comfortable leaving earlier than he wakes up. If he was in middle school, his day would actually start before ours and he could easily come home by himself.

But what if your kid can’t be left alone? The school has early childcare as well but again, it’s in the opposite direction of my work. And it was waitlist only for weeks.

Our school district allows you to search your address and see what time each age bus schedule is. That could help set your age range. And then, if you need a kid to be able to come home by themselves, that’s something you will tell the coordinator anytime before you take a placement.

5
PurpleDiCaprio•

I wanted to add something besides complaining. It’s been a stressful 2.5 months, honestly, and a learning experience. Despite all the tears and life shakeup, both husband and I are not against another placement in the future.

We would just set our expectations with the placement coordinator for what works for us. And probably a break. Maybe just respite or short term.

And you know what? In one month my kid has improved one ENTIRE grade level year in his reading and 6 months in math. That’s us. Giving him a stable environment and caring so he can focus on catching up.

His social worker doesn’t even recognize him.

3
thegirlwholived23Foster parent•

I'm 28, my wife 26, and we're both full-time professionals and graduate students. We have a sibling set of 3 and we make it work just fine.

Family support is big (as it is with everyone who isn't a stay at home parent I'm sure). You get creative. We do schoolwork when the kids are in bed and one takes them to school/the other picks them up so we both get full work days in. We both have weekends off and we go all in on making memories.

There are tons of appointments, but we rotate, and work from home when we're able, or rely on family support when it isn't possible. There is never a "good time" to have kids. You'll always be busy, you'll always be chasing a career, you'll always be unprepared...you'll never know if it will work or not until you try it. I feel like it's the same for people having children the conventional way. You make it work.

Just don't let DHHS convince you it's your job to supervise visits or transport to and from. Your job is to care for the kids in your home. The rest is on them. Keep that in mind and you'll be just fine.

3
nemotheintrovertFoster parent•

Don't assume that older kids can be by themselves at your home. That trust has to be built. Our kiddo (16) was at a point where he could be home for a couple of hours alone and then we found out he was doing some things that he really shouldn't have been doing and now we are having to get "sitters" to come over for the 40 minutes between the bus drop off and me getting home.

Single people who work and go to school do have kids all the time. Make sure you have a support system to help with things --- what will you do when a child has court at 9am? When they are sick? When the school calls you bc they got in a fight and are being suspended?

3
PersiaDark•

I'd say if you had flexible hours you could make it work with an older placement. Flexibility is key.

All of the warnings by others are valid, but you could work with your socialworker to designate what you can handle. For example some children need around the clock supervision, but a social worker would likely not think of you first for a placement like that.

I could see summertime / school breaks causing you headache if you don't have flexible schedule on top of flexible hours.

Anything is possible, your local office could tell you if you can fill a need. But your description as-is sounds like you are offering a room and anything else is sparse :) (but again, they might need that for say 15-18 yr olds). So flexibility is my word of the day.

2
Nerdygirl36•

School breaks have been really hard for us. Our kid is in a year-round school, which means his breaks are at odd times and there aren't really track-out camps for kids over 11. But this kid has difficulty regulating himself and needs constant attention, so my work-from-husband struggles with him during breaks. At one point I woke him up at 5:30 and dragged him to my office to spend all day with me because my husband was going nuts. We have definitely had to implement a form of respite with my parents where he stays at their house for a few days...and drives them nuts.

Also in regards to flexibility, we have found that we have very little say in what time meetings are for school or therapy. They schedule an IEP meeting at 9am on Monday and we are just expected to drop everything and be there. Same goes for therapy since we have intensive in-home therapy once to three times a week. It's nice that they come to our house, but it is still an unknown until the last minute usually. Sometimes I get a text on Tuesday morning asking if they can meet with us or the kid that afternoon after school. It's nice of them to ask, but we all know that unless we are out of town, we aren't going to say no to therapy.

3
fiddlesticks1908OP•

Thanks for the alternate input. I'd definitely consider that.

1