Source
r/OCPoetry•
SonaWilae

Poetic Chamomile

Feedback Received!
I am not a line of prose,
guilty rhyming schemes.
I reside amid unmetered 
lines-prophetic metaphors, 
romancing vacant heartfelt 
unbiased poetic devices.

I am like a black pearl,
Yes a black pearl...refined
undisciplined pentameters.

Boil my rage, page by page
taste my concoction of black
spices of sassy chamomile.

Dreams work the rhythm of my
fierce hands of djembe heartbeats, 
resonating the halls of poetic greats.

Langston behold your sisters' sass.
Ntozake revive my fearless brass.
Zora lay poetic meadows of grass.

https://redd.it/7mjvmp https://redd.it/7mhy8g

Posted Dec 28, 2017, 5:09 AM UTC

312
Bendover322•

Hello, I have a couple of things to say about this poem:

  1. The language is too high, it sounds like its trying to be poetic instead of being poetic. If you speak that way then thats fine, but using "reside" right next to "amid" raises you to a ceiling that's tough to break through.

  2. I like the image of a black pearl, but you don't show me why you are like a black pearl. Also, instead of the "..." i would use a colon, but thats just personal preference. I'm not sure if that's your style.

  3. Lastly, I think the poem has power, but that power is hidden because you're telling me not showing me your power. There is no setting. I can't ground myself anywhere and relate. Try taking all of this feeling and applying it to a situation, that way we can all feel how you feel. Because I do get the sense you do feel deeply from reading your poems.

Keep it up!

5
SonaWilaeOP•

I love your last comment. Thank you for the critique.

2
Bendover322•

no problem! I hope the poem grows into something beautiful!

1
LuminousThing•

welp I have nothing to add

1
MsKetoMosquito•

While I love Chamomile tea, this poem did not have the subtle scent of sleep for me. In other words, it didn't work for me. First of all, other than the fact that you use temperature, the metaphor comparing chamomile tea to poetry is not clear to me. Why is poetry reminiscent of chamomile tea? In order for metaphor to work, there must be similarities that connect the two objects that in comparing enhance the meaning of both. Chamomile is a subtle, calming tea that is commonly enjoyed at night to enhance or induce sleep. Are these qualities poetic to you? If so, then some of your diction does not jive for me. Words and phrases such as, "boil my rage; fierce; djembe heartbeats," do not invoke a calming tone. Your poem also seems to a a mismash of conflicting images that does not serve to enhance your initial metaphor of chamomile denoted in the title. I identified three major images: tea, pearl, and drum. I feel that these images are competing with each other, and therefore muddy the waters and leave the reader at a loss as to what message you intend to communicate with your poem. I'm assuming by the last two stanzas that it has something to do with poetry and the poetic greats, but I am at a loss for what that message is. You also utilize some oxymorons that seem rather illogical to me and only serve to confuse the reader. For example, how can something be both vacant and heartfelt? How can meter be undisciplined? Either a line adheres to pentameter, or it does not, and is therefore, not pentameter.

Some specific feedback on grammar:

In L4, the em dash, not the n dash should be utilized. The n dash is used to hyphenate words. The m dash is used to offset a phrase.

Lastly, I have some questions. Why are poetic devices unbiased? Why do you mentioned unmetered, when later you speficy pentameter, rhythm, and drum beats. Why, if you mention such rhythm, specifically pentameter, does your poem not adhere to pentameter? Why, if your poem is guilty of rhyming, do you wait until the last stanza to rhyme? I'm not advocating for rhyming unless it can be executed in a way that is not trite. All in all, I felt the rhyming was rather forced. For example, is Langston known for writing about his sister's sass? It felt like you only mentioned his sister to set up sass, so it could rhyme with brass and grass. Does Langston Hughes even have a sister? Does Ntozake really revive your fearless brass? Do you play brass? One should not set up lines for the sake of a rhyme. Rhyme should not overshadow the content of the line. It should only serve to enhance what must be written on the line. Also, FYI, Zora Neale Hurston was not known for poetry. While I see the reference to black culture, and the black imagery with black tea and black pearl, I still don't understand the what you are trying to say about black poets from your perspective. Some of your adjectives, when applied to the quality of black poetry, might be misconstrued as insulting. For example, are you saying that Black poetry is vacant, unbiased, undisciplined, and sassy? And finally, I still don't get the connection to the title. Chamomile is not black tea. It's a white flower that looks very much like a daisy. Are you comparing the black literary heritage of such greats as Langston, Ntozake, and Zora to a tiny daisy? With all these questions, I think my overarching feedback is that all of your poetic devices seem to be in competition, leaving the reader to make sense of what sounds more like a cacophony than a discernible beat.

2
SonaWilaeOP•

Zora Neale Hurston is a native Eatonville resident. Her museum is only 3 miles from our home. "When Hurston arrived in New York City in 1925, the Harlem Renaissance was at its peak, and she soon became one of the writers at its center. Shortly before she entered Barnard, Hurston's short story "Spunk" was selected for The New Negro, a landmark anthology of fiction, POETRY, and essays focusing on African and African-American art and literature.

As to your critique, thank you for your feedback, though long and I'm sure time-consuming, you did take time out of your schedule to offer your opinion.

1
MsKetoMosquito•

Thanks for the info. I wasn't aware that Hurston wrote any poetry. If this is the case, then I stand corrected. You say she was included in an anthology of fiction, poetry, and essays, but her piece was a work of short fiction. I actually tried to find poetry by Zora Neale Hurston online and couldn't find any, even after googling "Zora Neale Hurston" AND "poetry." If you know of some, could you send me the link? I'd love to read it.

Regardless, if you are referencing "great poets," I still believe that Hurston is known as a NOVELIST, anthropologist, playwright, and essayist, best known for her novel "Their Eyes Were Watching God." She is not best known as a POET, even if she did write some poetry.

If you are in fact wanting to call attention to great POETS as it seems in your last stanza, especially since you poem is titled POETIC Chamomile and not PROSAIC Chamomile, I would pick another writer, best known for his or her poetry to clinch the last line of your poem.

I did take quite a bit of time responding to your poem, providing not just subjective opinion, but also criticism based on objective rules of grammar and poetic form. This subreddit is meant to be a space to receive feedback from all different perspectives and levels of expertise, with the hope that we can all--as a community--improve our poetry, and in doing so, with time, become better poets. I hope you realize that the breadth of feedback was meant to be generous and helpful, not incite an argument or debate.

1
SonaWilaeOP•

Absolutely. Thank you. As to Zora Neale Hurston is the most criticized writer and poet of the Harlem Renaissance. Though the internet may not display her work, she has always been described as both. I respectfully disagree with some of your assessment of my work. However, you did bring a few key points which will assist in my continuing to grow in my passion.

Once again, thank you and Happy New Year

1
MsKetoMosquito•

Well then I stand corrected...learn something new every day. Thank you! Do you know where I might find her poetry? I'd love to read it. : )

2
dmlzheng1•

Ooooh very strong poem, sounds like a freeverse poetry slam. Hope you can find the opportunity to perform this

1
ParadiseEngineer•

What a great opening stanza! unfortunately it's very detached from the rest of the piece, in form, in imagery. It may be worth taking it out and working it into a new piece? Also the second line in the seconded stanza seems to me like a waste of a line - I'm not trying to be rude, I just think that it could be used to add to the piece further, rather than repeating the first line.

The very straight forward rhymes in the last stanza seem like a hurried ending to me, that stanza has a lot of promise and interesting ideas, but I feel that it's let down by the simplicity of the rhyming. I'm sure there's more that you can do with that.

I hope this has helped, keep up the good work :)

1